Ohmystinkinheck

Where OMSH is a 4-letter word…

I weighed in at 252.50 lbs. today. $#*%

I won’t record my initial reaction to the scales this morning because I’d prefer for my blog to keep its G Rating. That, and I have a vocabulary reservoir that extends beyond the 4-letter exclamatory statement that I made.

I gained .30#.
Now, you must understand the extent of my honesty that I’m even posting this, because I seriously considered fudging a bit and just saying that there was no loss or gain. But that would have been a lie. I’m a lot of things that disappoint me daily, but I am not a liar. So, there you are. Two weeks in and I’ve already gained.

Owning Up

So, why have I gained this week? I can list a few things … follow with me if you will.

1. Coke,Small Popcorn and Sour Patch Kids while watching The Nanny Diaries ALONE last night at the movie theater.
2. Sugar in my coffee.
3. No exercise
4. Margaritas and Mexican food
5. Nowhere near enough sleep.

The list is longer, but you get the drift.

I cannot continue to do the same thing and get different results.

See how logical I am being about all this? I hear these words in my head. I read what I write. I KNOW what to do. Why am I still not losing? It’s simple really. It isn’t that my body doesn’t want to lose weight - it does. It screams at me to lose weight. It isn’t that I’m genetically predisposed to being overweight. I have genes to be of normal weight or overweight. It isn’t even that I hate myself, I don’t.

What is it then? My personality is extreme and I’ve spent a lifetime not knowing how to balance it. Until I figure out how to balance my life, I will not be able to successfully tackle my weight issues.

When I work - I work to the extreme.
When I’ve dieted - I’ve dieted to the extreme.
When I’ve exercised - I’ve exercised to the extreme.
If I volunteered for you - you’d think you hired a full time employee.
When I do anything … I do it to the extreme.
It is this way now and it has always been this way - as far back as I can remember.
I’m either ALL in or ALL out.

The problem is that extreme can’t be sustained. Extreme is the candle burning at both ends. Extreme paces look good for a short while, but the burn-out is just around the bend. Extreme has no stick-to-it-ive-ness. It is why we can only be great leaders 1/2 of the time.

That is why I am successful at the work I do. Web design, website maintenance, blog customizations. Blow in, do a knock-down, drag-out, tornado-riffic job, and blow out. Relatively short and sweet - completely time consuming - customer is happy - I get paid. I crash for two days to catch-up from nights of lost sleep.

This doesn’t work with weight loss. I need to lose at least 100 lbs. To do this successfully means a long term commitment. It means continuing a slow and steady pace for an extended period of time. I feel hopeless even thinking about it. HOW do I train my mind to do that? How do I keep pumped up? How do I handle the failures with as much grace as the successes? I’m not a “journey” person. I like to GET THERE.

I don’t know how to enjoy the journey.

All or Nothing

If you’ve ever tried to lose a great deal of weight, you may be familiar with the weight loss graph. Y’know what I’m talking about. You are pumped and ready to lose weight before the anniversary, the high school reunion, the summer bathing suit season, WHATEVER … so you chart out how many weeks you have and then you create a graph that goes like this: “If I lose 1.5 lbs./week, I’ll weigh ‘x’ by ‘y’!” BUT, if I work REALLY HARD and “I work out 7 days a week and eat only oatmeal and mandarin oranges, I might could lose 5 lbs./week and then I can weigh ‘b’ by ‘c’!”

Off you go on a predisposed path to failure b/c those graphs? They never EVER work.

And if you are like me, and you miss it by one week, you fall into a deep pit of hopeless despair and the whole ‘diet’ gets chucked right out the window while you down a whole Special Dark candy bar, piece by piece, while dipping it into an open can of peanut butter. Homemade Reeses Peanut Butter cups aren’t the answer. I know that. I know it even as I sit there and eat it.

Where did I get this all or nothing mentality? I was born with it. NOT into it, but WITH it. I blame this on no one. It isn’t my parent’s fault, society’s fault, or anyone else. I was born with an extreme personality, coupled with a slightly thicker build than the average kid, and because I was poor at managing myself, I suffered from some very deep hurts, self hatred and confusion.

5th grade and 15 lbs.

In 5th grade I weighed 90 lbs. My friends weighed 75 lbs. I wanted to weigh 75 lbs. My parents, who have never been overweight, wanted to encourage me to lose 15 lbs. so they watched my food intake and gave me incentives. I am very rewards oriented, so the offer for $200.00 of new clothes if I could lose the 15 lbs. put me in gear to make it happen. The deal was I had to get to 75 lbs. and stay at that weight for 2 weeks. I hadn’t lost all hope by that point. I was still trying.

There was a scale in my bathroom. I weighed on it multiple times a day. I would weigh, write down my weight, and then go in my room, close the door and jump rope, run in place, anything to not stop moving for an hour. Then, I’d go weigh again. Sometimes I managed to lose a pound. I’d chart the weight loss on my graph paper and not weigh again until before bed.

I started attributing supper to weight gain, because of course I’d gain the weight back I lost sweating in my room once I ate dinner. I started paying attention to how other girls ate. They ate the same as me as far as I could tell. No one talked about weight in 5th grade. I was confused by how they could be so normal and I was packin’ an extra 15.

I never got that $200.00 worth of clothes. I never was able to get back to 75 lbs. Not even after 6th grade when I learned how some of the girls were keeping their weight down. Not even when I joined them for the “after lunch hour appointment” in the school bathroom stall with my popsicle stick down my throat trying to hack-up the food I just ate.

More and more I noticed the girls around me. More and more I felt ugly, fat, and different.

My eldest daughter started 5th grade today. She weighs in at about 78 lbs. There are no words that can share the enormous relief in my heart that she doesn’t have the same weight issues I do. It is something I have begged the Lord to keep from their lives. I cannot stand the thought of them hurting the way I have hurt. I talk openly about my fat with my kids. They know I’m squishy and soft and that I’m bigger than the other mommas. They love me anyway. I am ashamed of me (which is different from self-hatred), but they aren’t. They want me involved in their activities, at their schools, etc… I am so grateful for that unconditional love, but I want more for them. I want them to have a healthy momma that can do more with them.

Most of all, I want them to always know that this is MY PROBLEM and not theirs.

That they are wonderfully and beautifully made.

40 Responses to “Weighing In: Week 2”

1. Aprilmommy

   I could almost imagine that you are writing my own story. Thanks for that.

2. Angella

   Thanks for being so open, Heather. There are many women who have been there and who *are* there. Your honesty will bless many people.

   And? You can do this! We’ve all got your back with words of encouragement and prayer :)

3. Claire in CA

   Ah, the battle of the bulge. There are many of us out here (they say it’s an epidemic), struggling just as you do. I had to admit my weight was caused by sin - the sin of gluttony. It took awhile. I felt guilty alot (which didn’t help the overeating). I finally laid it at my Lord’s feet, and found a program I can live with forever (not WW, btw). You can do it, too, because YOU are “fearfully and wonderfully made,” and the temple you have been given to care for is important and worthy of care.

   Praying for you!

4. Kami

   You are so eloquent Heather (hopefully I didn’t mispell that) and Angella’s right, your words will hit home for many.

   I find it heartbreaking that this already was an issue for you in Grade 5 - not that your were overweight but that you thought you needed to lose weight. Our society does has some serious issues. No one should hurt that way at such a young age.

   I think maybe the best thing to do is to make a couple changes a week… ie switch from sugar to an artificial sweetner, add a half hour walk…. then each week add another change. If it happens slowly maybe it will become habit.

   About a year and half ago I finally got myself into a regular routine and excercise at least 4 times a week. The benefits have been unbelievable… less sleep, more energy, less illnesses.

   If I can do it, anyone can :-)

5. Jill - GlossyVeneer

   You are beautiful and brave to post this journey. The “extremes” is a problem that I have as well so I empathize with you. We all love and support you as you work toward this goal. *HUG*

6. Sue at nobaddays

   You’re writing my story here sister ;-) And you pointed out for the first time for me the link between the struggle and my all-or-nothing tendencies. The if I do x, I could lose b pounds by c date? Me.

7. Sandra

   Ok, I hear ya on the extreme tendencies because I do that myself. Although I don’t fight weight problems, I still have self-esteem issues which, sadly, I think all women in North America struggle with whether we are thin, fat or anywhere in between. The way I have kept myself pretty healthy and exercising on a regular basis is by using my extreme tendencies to my advantage in a sense. I decided to workout regularly awhile back and quickly realized that although I LOATHE cardio, I love weight lifting. So I set about finding out all there was to find out about weight lifting and how I could achieve what I want while completely avoiding cardio and I did it! It works! So I keep myself on track by doing the same thing - constantly reading more, informing myself (hence the reason I read You: On a Diet even though I’m not trying to lose weight per se). I channel my obsessiveness into learning more, getting better, improving my knowledge and therefore the effectiveness and efficiency of my workouts and eating. So my brilliant suggestion would be use that all or nothing attitude that you have, apply it to this challenge and find out all that you can about how to tackle this. Make it a challenge to see how many ways you can make this work for you. You deserve to live a healthy life, to be satisfied with what you see in the mirror. Food is not your reward, it is sustenance. Your reward is feeling good, looking good, being healthy. Turn it around, I know you can do it. And, BTW, you can still have a small popcorn (no extra butter), a Diet coke and a bit of trail mix or perhaps a small square of extra dark chocolate at the movies and not feel one bit guilty about it. There ARE ways to have your cake and eat it too (metaphorically speaking of course).

8. Ree Drummond

   Beautiful post, Heather. I had to go to Austin in March, and six weeks before my trip I said, “I’ll lose ten pounds!” Didn’t lose one.

   My 20-year reunion was in May: “I’ll lost fifteen pounds by then, no problem.” Didn’t lose one.

   Went to Chicago in July, knew I’d definitely lose it by then. Gained five.

   I don’t know how to forge that connection between saying/wanting/knowing you want to lose weight and actually taking the steps necessary to do it. If you figure it out, let me know because it eludes me.

   I’ll keep you in my mind/heart/thoughts/prayers. I feel how acute your frustration is.

9. mothergoosemouse

   Like you, I’ve worried about my own kids - more from the perspective of my influence on them. I want them to be conscious of what they’re putting in their mouths and why, but I don’t want them obsessing over a number on the scale or on the tag in their clothes. Health has been our watchword.

   Totally pulling for you here. I think that getting to know yourself and your tendencies and limitations is smart. And from what I’ve heard, adequate sleep really does aid weight loss/management.

10. C

    Thank you for reporting and keeping us a part of this weight loss experience.

    Don’t let a set-back kill your journey.

    It’s like a road trip with a bunch of stops along the way. The destination is still there and if you choose to visit a “homemade peanut butter cup” rest stop, it doesn’t make the final destination disappear.

    It’s still there and you can always get back in the car and keep driving.

    Keep on keeping on sister :)

11. Kristina

    I don’t know if this will help at all.

    I’m pretty sedentary.

    For emotional eating I’ve been going to a V8 or a tasty frozen smoothie (with no sugar), or non-sugar apple sauce for those 10pm cravings.

    Also, once you start exercising don’t you gain weight from muscle at first? Don’t fret too much about the weight, but more about the inches.

    I believe you/we can do this!

12. janjanmom

    You are writing things I am not brave enough to write. It is my story give or take 10lbs, I won’t tell you which way. We are peas in a plus size pod. Love ya!!

13. Cori!

    You know, we’re both going to get tired of my comments that essentially say, week after week, “Yeah, what you said.” But that’s what I’d end up saying this week, just like last week and the week before. I know where you’re coming from, I totally get our personality type and how it hampers our lose-weight efforts, and I had a similar week to your’s. 0 weight loss, 0 waist change, 0 changes made to my lifestyle. Can’t we just wish it all away???

    {{{OMSH}}} Keep at it and I’ll do the same. Eventually something has to take and I’ve read that the more often you try to lose weight, the more likely you are to be successful. Hmmm…that doesn’t make me feel much better but maybe it will help you.

14. nyjlm

    Oh sweet OMSH. I hope that this week is mentally easier for you. I think that by blogging this journey you are going to learn so much that is going to help you make this experience different than past attempts to lose weight.
    (((hugs)))

15. Meg

    Can I share my own latest resolution?

    My husband and I, and a neighbor or two, decided last night that starting today, coincident with the first day of school, we would all get up at 5:30 a.m. and walk for 30 mins in our neighborhood. I have NEVER been an early morning exerciser. But when else would I exercise, with 3 kids and a full-time job? Never, that’s when! So we did it. And we’re doing it tomorrow, too. My weight has crept up over the past year or so, I had to buy a larger size clothing, I turned 40, I have been drinking more than I should (which concerns me more for the calorie intake than for the other obvious reasons). I figured ignorance is bliss and when my scale quit working, I threw it away. But I snuck a peek on two friends’ scales this weekend and am dangerously close to another 10-pound milestone, so I decided ENOUGH. The walking might inspire me to eat less, drink less, and exercise more. I am TIRED this afternoon, but eventually they say, your body craves the exercise and you would rather do that than sleep.

    So why don’t you try joining me? Squeeze in a short walk, maybe early morning, maybe with a friend or maybe you’d prefer to be alone with your thoughts. It didn’t kill me this morning, even though I thought it would. If I can do it, I know you can do it. I just figure, small changes may lead to an improvement in my lifestyle. As you say, you can’t keep doing the same thing and expect different results. That’s the definition of insanity. And that is why I decided to do one thing different from now on. Just one little thing.

    You CAN do this! It won’t happen overnight but you can do it. You will feel so much better about things once you take control. Hang in there, keep plugging along! We are all rooting for you!

16. Loralee

    I was 5′8 size 9 shoe and 150 by the end of my 6th grade year. (Basically? Exactly what I am now, except I’m a size 10 shoe!)

    It sucks to be so much bigger than your peers and it certainly doesn’t make your outlook on diet any easier.

17. Michele

    Heather, I have to remind myself every day that this isn’t a race, that I’m NOT trying to lose weight before my sister in law’s wedding or the big blogger meet up in March. I’m trying to lose weight because my eating habits were KILLING me. Even still I found myself jumping on the scale 17 times a day, being tempted to skip meals, to keep my calories way lower than what is healthy.To do the same crazy crash dieting I’ve done since I was in 5th grade. I’ve got to stop that!
    What has been working really well (-22.5 pounds now!) is changing my eating habits little by little. Cutting things in half, using a smaller plate. Trying to find healthy (or at least healthier)replacements for the things that I love. This can’t be about all or nothing.
    Now that I’ve written my own blog post in your comments I just want to say how proud I am of you for being so open with all of this.

18. bethany actually

    I am humbled by your courage and honesty, Heather. And you know I’m praying for you, along with many others.

19. MR. OMSH

    I’ll go there WITH you.

    Love you!

20. Laura/PinkFontGirl

    YOU are wonderfully and beautifully made too, ya dig?

    *muah!*

21. Chris

    Beautifully written- I feel your anguish. Well, as much as someone can feel ‘with’ you without being in your actual shoes.

    I am an extremist as well. The last time I was healthy- weight-wise and fitness-wise, it was due to extremes. I lived somewhere that made it easy- no, made it a norm- to exercise constantly and be very cautious about weight. I ran in the morning. I swam at lunch. I hit the weight room after work and lifted, then rode the bike. I was thin. I felt great. But it wasn’t healthy, not really.

    As I start working toward my weight loss, I’m trying to focus on it as getting healthy. I need to get healthy and I need to develop habits that keep my healthy- for me and my family. I want to feel good about me. And I want balance.

    Small order for all of us to find, no?

    I’ll be thinking of you along the way.

22. Suebob

    I’m rooting for you. I appreciate your beautiful honesty.

23. stephanie

    I love that you’re following through with this (on OMSH)…do you realize what an important thing this is? I hope so. xo

24. margalit

    As your official biggest cheerleader, I’ve got to ask you a couple of questions. Have you been to see your doctor recently just for a checkup? And if you have, did they do bloodwork? Did they check your glucose and insulin levels fasting and after eating? Those are KEY to losing weight when you’re more than 100 lbs overweight. Chances are probably pretty good that at least you’re insulin resistant. If you are, there are things that you can do to immediately jump start your weight loss.

    Remember, our bodies, thin or fat, are trained to keep us from starving. If you only eat one meal a day, for example, your body will tell itself that you’re starving because you only have had one meal, thus keeping all of that meal to maintain your body. So no weight loss. If you eat many small meals, even things like 6 or 8 almonds every couple of hours, your body sends itself a different message. It says that you have sufficient food to keep you from starving, and thus allows you to lose weight instead of grabbing onto every calorie.

    Seeing your doctor, seeing a nutritionist, working a plan that is CUSTOMIZED for you, for what you like to eat, what YOU can stick with, even with candy involved, can work towards slow weight loss. I swear it, it works. And I’m the woman that refused, REFUSED to give up hershey’s kisses, and took 220 calories of my 1250 calorie diet in kisses because I know I cannot stick to a diet with no chocolate, no matter what.

    Email me and we can chat more about the medical aspects of this whole dieting thing.

25. Airing Dirty Laundry

    It’s only been a few weeks. Weight loss for those of us who struggle (which is a category I’m definitely in) is a LIFESTYLE, not a DIET. I’m like you–it’s ALL or NOTHING AT ALL. Right now I’m in the NOTHING AT ALL stage. You’re one of my motivations to give it my ALL. You just need to find your true motivation(s)–just WANTING the weight to fall off isn’t enough. If that was the case, I would have willed it away YEARS ago.

26. Jill

    It sounds like you need to go for it all at the extreme…in short bursts. Maybe the goal isn’t to lose 100 lbs, but to lose five. Celebrate those five (non-caloric) and make a new goal when you get there. It can be the work-rest-work style that may suit you best, but toward manageable goals. Good luck!

27. OMSH

    Mondays are the only days where I have difficulty responding to each of you guys. I’m usually a mess of tears by the end of my posts, but please know I READ EACH AND EVERY ONE.

    These are my most meaningful posts - yes, even more meaningful than burning, itchy chachis (and that is serious stuff).

    Thank you so much for all your support. I can’t tell you how surprised I have been. Somewhere in the back of my mind I felt this weakness could be a reason for some to pack up and leave, but no … you prove that there is true community in this blogging world.

    Hugs to all of you.
    Wow.
    There just aren’t words.

28. Vanessa

    I’m sending huggles all the way from Canada…scuse me if they’re a tad chilly, its only about 72 here today. (You bet I had to pull out the C to F converter for that. Crazy Americans and your Fahrenheit).

    I agree with Jill though. If you’re a go for the extreme in small bursts type person, why not make it a goal to lose a couple pounds every week or month. Then it doesn’t seem like such a huge project.

    I’m making a really bad comparison here, but I do that when I clean my house. Start with one room. When that room is completely done, move to another one. Otherwise, I don’t know where to start and get ridiculously overwhelmed.

    Maybe that theory will help with weight loss for you. Maybe not. Either way, maybe its worth a shot.

    Good luck and more cold Canadian huggles.

29. OMSH

    Vanessa - It is HOT here, I’ll take all the Canadian huggies you can send (unless they are of the disposable sort - you can keep those up there). :)

30. Mrs. Wilson

    I SO love your openness and honesty. It’s refreshing to hear that I’m not the only one who struggles with self-image. Although I’m still carrying my baby weight from my 4-month-old I had a different self image problem - ugliness. I was annoying and ugly in grade school. Or so I thought and my friends informed me.

    Thanks for sharing!!

31. Tanya

    I can’t tell you how much I look forward to Mondays - I truly enjoy your posts like this. Your writing is so eloquent and I love these peaks into your life. That being said, I am here to support you no matter what. You are so brave for being so honest. I’m here to cheer you on whenever you need it!

32. Emily

    This is my third attempt to reply to this post. If this works I’ll type up my real reply, which was really long on Monday, but won’t be as long today.

33. Emily

    Whew. This weeks stats:

    Weight: 281 (loss of 1 pound)
    Waist: 53″ (no change, still)

    Still holding your hand. Feel me squeezin’ it tight?

    Not eating after my self imposed deadline of 7:00 pm worked really well this week. I felt awesome when I wasn’t overeating. We had some weird schedule stuff come up at the end of the week and the deadline went out the window. Today the deadline begins again.

    I started reading a book called Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think by Brian Wansink. So far it’s really great! It’s all about how our environment and even ourselves set us up to overeat. And what you can do about it. I recommend it.

    Also waiting to here back about the financial aid application I turned in at out local YMCA. We’re looking for regular family exercise evenings. Classes for kids and swimming or bike riding time for us.

    Love ya babe!

    *Argh, it ate my comment again. This time I remembered to copy it before I submitted. :)

34. Vanessa

    Not huggies, silly OMSH. Huggles. Its hugs and cuddles, all in one word.

    I can’t wait for winter…come visit. See some REAL snow and ice ;) We had 5 feet of it in one day last winter, it was amazing.

35. OMSH

    Mrs. Wilson - Children are so cruel, but I’ve learned that adults can be equally so. They do it quietly and with their eyes, expressions and lack of invitations.

    Thanks for sharing.

    Tanya - Mondays are so hard for me. So very hard. But you guys are always like a fresh spring. And let me tell you - even as big as I am … if I came across a fresh spring, I’d strip naked and jump in!

    Emily - I have no idea why your post was held in spam. YOU, my dear, are non-spammy. I got it out though and thank you for sharing … I love knowing there are others walking this road with me.

    Vanessa - I kinda liked huggies - but I LOVE HUGGLES. What a fabulous word!

36. Amanda Brown

    What a wonderful, honest post. Thanks for being so open with your story and your present journey. I have gone through so much of the same and it’s always nice to know we’re not alone.
    Wishing you strength and encouragement on the path!

37. PlusToo

    I literally have tears running down my face as I read this. Heather, please do not be so hard on yourself. 0.30 of a pound is nothing! NOTHING! So you didn’t lose this week. So what! It is OK. Just move forward knowing that this is not something that is going to happen overnight. Taking your time and constantly tweaking your every day life is what is going to make the change and difference. Instead of setting weight goals for yourself each week, set a different goal. Something like, this week I will not eat past 8 o’clock. The next week, I will walk down the street and back. These small changes will turn into bigger changes as time goes by and you won’t even notice. On a side note, we all have those things that we struggle with every day to overcome. My sisters and I call them our “evils” Each one of us have our own “evils” that haunt us every day. Now since you and many others have been brave enough tp share their “evils”, I will share mine. My “evils” are my addiction to caffiene and cigarettes. I have managed for the most part to kick the caffiene but can not seem to quit smoking. I have tried and failed so many times. I quit and am all gung-ho and then the novelty wears off 6-8 weeks later and before I know it, I’m smoking again. I know the hazards and effects but it still isn’t enough for me to quit and stay that way. I am an emotional smoker. I smoke when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I’m excited, when I’m nervous, stressed, bored, and every other emotional situation you can think of. There are many days that I feel like such a failure and a loser. I know that all I can do is keep at it and one day…ONE DAY, I’ll be able to confidently say that I am a non-smoker.

38. PlusToo

    OOPS! Not sure what happend but some of my post was cut off. Basically it said that all you can do is keep at and your ONE DAY will come for you, too. Just know that your family and friends love and support you 100%. Go get it girl!

39. Schnozz

    This sort of thing is so hard to deal with. We all have that discord between “I should” and “I do,” and it’s frustrating as hell. I feel for you and hope that you find a workable system for yourself. You can do it!

40. OMSH

    Amanda Brown - Thank you - yea, the honesty thing is therapy, but it is also a test of my will. I “willy” don’t want to be honest. heh heh *snort*

    PlusToo - I am married to a smoker. I know how hard that battle is from watching him quit, start, quit, start … it is one reason why he can so closely understand my own struggle.

    And this –> “These small changes will turn into bigger changes as time goes by and you won’t even notice.” I hope so. I really do.

    Schnozz - I figure if you can roller derby, I can lose a person. I’d make a heck of a roller derby queen right now though - I could be in a SLAM position (there is one of those, right?”