Ohmystinkinheck

Yesterday I was humbled by your praise and encouragement regarding mine and Mr. OMSH’s child labor practices. And of course, if you haven’t read about that, don’t come unglued; child labor has its place.

Today, because I can’t stand to be a hypocrite, I want to outline some of the things I regret doing as a first-time parent - as in, I know I could have made a better choice(s) and didn’t. We’ll call them mistakes.

And? Because I know I’ll get emails about this … IF you have made decisions that I am calling mistakes, please remember I’m talking about ME. You are YOU. I am ME. Again –> I’m talking about me, not you. I do get on my soapbox about a lot of things, but after raising 3 kids it is a rare thing for me to point fingers at a parent and say, “YOU are doing it wrong.” Okay? Good.

^#1. Babywise is stupid.

I wish, as a first time parent, that the Ezzo’s book, Babyunwise, had never been placed in my hands (Note: I did NOT place a link to the book as I WOULD NEVER promote it as an option for how to “train” a child). It was given to me by a woman I thought had it together; she used it and her children seemed well-rounded and behaved. I didn’t know any better (”Doesn’t a quiet, controlled child equal a happy child?” Um. Maybe. Not always.) and wanted to make sure I gave my child every chance in the world, so I implemented their practices on my first child.

I cannot tell you how many times I have wanted to curse their name and wish I could take those years back.

I am not launching into a discussion on CIO, because that is not the totality of what I hate - yes, hate - about this book. I repeat, I do not have issues with short sessions of CIO. I DO have issues with what I can only describe as a method of parenting that distances a parent from the heart of their child. I honestly believe that Babywise is the equivalent of raising a child at an arm’s length; cold, heartless, and wrong.

^#2. Breastfeeding Blues

I wish I had breast fed my first child. I didn’t. I’m not anti-formula … NOT AT ALL. I realize there are women, for one reason or another, who cannot breastfeed, need to supplement, or don’t want to breastfeed. If educated about the health aspects of breastfeeding, I do not understand the “not wanting to” portion of the argument, but really … I’m not a Nazi-Breastfeeder. I will say that the time I spent breastfeeding my 2nd and 3rd children were sweet (okay once we got past the toe-curling, explicative-shouting pain associated with both of their tongue-tiedness. - but THAT is another story altogether).

Be it hormones, my babies’ precious suckling faces, or just the sheer delight of being able to eat more, I loved breastfeeding. It forced me to slow down, sit down, and stare at this precious bundle drinking up my milk. I never slowed down with my first child. As soon as I could figure out a way for her to balance/hold her bottle alone, I did. I regret not sitting and holding that bottle for her. I regret that she spent so much time in her car seat … which brings up my next regret.

^#3. Car Seats - y’know for CARS

I regret that I used the car seat for more than just a car seat. As in, I wish I would have clicked it into the car and kept it there. And in addition to this I want to sing praises to the Baby Bjorn, the Fleece Kangaroo Pouch, and the Hip Hammock. Those three items allowed me to keep the car seat IN the car and the stroller in the trunk.

I didn’t get into baby wearing until my 2nd child was about 18 months old. She fractured her leg coming down a slide and was in a cast. Pulling out the stroller to go down the hill and get the mail or around the house wasn’t a convenient option. I went looking online for an alternative and found the Hip Hammock. That item led to my adventure in other forms of baby wearing.

Before my 3rd child was born, MR. OMSH and I went to Baby’s R Us and tried on every single baby carrier they had. We wanted one that would fit us both. We found the Baby Bjorn and fell in love (not with the price - but with the function). After cashing in our retirement CD *ahem* we purchased it and proceeded to wear the heck out of it. I can count on two hands the amount of time my 3rd child was in a stroller.

Again, I’m not saying strollers are bad; I’m saying they are inconvenient on most occasions.

Wearing our baby - and even wearing our 2nd child for the short time we did - MADE A DIFFERENCE. I can’t explain it, but it developed a trust and a bond I have had to work hard to develop in our first child. I feel like I cheated her without knowing it. So much regret.

^#4. Co-co-co-co-sleeping

I know … now everyone is on edge. What is OMSH gonna say about co-sleeping. Here’s what I’m gonna say. IF YOU CAN … do it. If you like it, do it. If you haven’t tried it, try it. If it doesn’t work, stop doing it. What I regret is not allowing (and I’m not saying that I didn’t try - I’m saying I outright DID NOT ALLOW) my first child to come to bed with us.

I had been trained that if you let a child sleep with you they will always want to sleep with you. And to that, I call bullsh*t. Was that tacky? It was meant to be. I’m pretty darn certain Kenny won’t be 21 and crawling into bed with me. See where I’m going with this?

Some children LIKE and NEED to sleep alone. Some children LIKE and NEED the security of sleeping with their parents. Our 6, nearly 7, year old will come to our bed when she has nightmares. She can snuggle in between her daddy and I and it chases away fear. My son comes to our bed anytime he wakes up to pee. I can tell when it is okay to tuck him back into his own and when he really needs to rest with us. Either way, our bed is open. Our oldest - she wouldn’t come into our bed if I dragged her. It doesn’t feel right to her. And I wonder - is it because I would never allow it when she was a child? Is it because I was uncaring then? Maybe. However, she doesn’t have a means to gain that “security” when she’s scared. She tells us about how she has nightmares and can’t sleep. And she’s alone when she does that. And that is MY fault. Yes, it is. I regret that.

I am 34 and I still can’t sleep when my husband is out of town. I learned how to code and turn-out a website when he went to Basic Training because I COULD NOT SLEEP AT NIGHT. If, at 34, I have those fears, I know that my children have them. I can pray for peace and I can rest in the comfort that the Lord watches over me. But for now, as my children are growing, I’m supposed to be that comfort to them.

^#5. Anger Management

This is the hardest to talk about. I have anger issues. No, I don’t beat my children senseless or any other such atrocity, but I show a level of imbalance that is embarrassing at times. In fact, at times I am so downright childish that MR. OMSH has to tell me to quit it. And y’know, I have to accept it, because he’s right.

I don’t stay angry. Not at all. Most of the time I am laughing and corning around and being a complete loon. I have patience and more patience and then another measure, but then *kaaaaboom* … either meltdown or the “wrath of the stricken mother” appears. I cry and holler and say things like, “I just WISH that you guys understood how HARD I work to get ALL of this DONE!” or here’s a good one, “Why can’t you let me nap? DO YOU NOT LOVE ME? DO YOU NOT CARE THAT I AM EXHAUSTED?!” Oh yea, maturity at it’s best. And it is ugly and loud and stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I see that type of imbalance play out in ALL of my kids at some point or another. Of course, they learned it from me. I’m working on it. I talk to them about losing my temper and how it isn’t right. I ask forgiveness. We move on. I will struggle with this forever - it is how I deal. It is childish. I am sometimes a child raising children.

There are other things - I’m sure there are. But that was a pretty large unload.
So see, I might be able to figure out how to get my kids to work in the kitchen or vacuum the house, but I have my fair share of inconsistencies and regrets.

We are all just trying the best we can.

36 Responses to “Things I Wish I Had Done Differently as a First-Time Parent.”

1. MMM

   nice post-thank you for sharing. i have many regrets with both of my children. it takes guts to post it for the world to see. good for you.

2. Jill - GlossyVeneer

   That was a great post.

3. Erica

   Hi had a moment when I finally put two and two together and realized that my anger issues, were actually a bi-product of PMS. I know, it sounds ridiculous that it was some kind of epiphany that -gasp- I had PMS, but after seeing my GYN and talking to her about it and the recommended treatments, I feel 100% better about everything. I think most women deal with anger issues, or… as I prefer to think… PMS! :)

4. OMSH

   Erica … okay, well perhaps I need to start tracking my meltdowns. I’m feeling silly for not considering that before.

5. frugalmom

   Everyone, I think, has their fair share of regrets or I wish I would have done that different things. I, too, tend to pop off at the mouth and then “wonder” why my eldest prefers to always get the last word in. Always. I know I have things that I need to work on. Realizing that you have some things to make better is half the battle. One of the hardest things for me is that I(well, my husband and I)have raised very independent children. I know, thats good, right? Till they try to get all independent in your face! They have minds of their own, which I love, but it has its own set of challenges.

   It sounds to me like you are doing a fantastic job. Keep up the good work. And Im here when you need to vent!

6. Big Mama

   I loved your honesty and there is a lot of wisdom in your words. If I ever have another child, I’m sure there are many things that I’ll do differently. Experience teaches more than any book.

7. Mom2Six

   My mother says she always feels sorry for the first-born child. We make most of our mistakes on them. I know I have learned more with each new child.

   I nursed all six of mine–and wish I hadn’t weaned some as early as I did (all past a year, at least!). I wore all of them, but didn’t really get good at it until #5. I didn’t pull a child into my bed to nurse at night (we used the rocking chair) until my third child came along and I was desperate enough for sleep to survive the next day with a newborn, toddler, and pre-schooler!

   A mother of TEN recently saw me with my baby in his sling and smiled. She said, “Just keep them close!” I figure she knows what she is talking about!

8. coolbeans

   I have similar regrets. When my youngest was a wee one, I told my husband, “We should keep having babies. I think we’ve just about got it all figured out!”

9. sara - The Estrogen Files

   YES! I like this post. In fact, I like ALL the posts I’ve read over here. I’m going to be a new groupie, -k-?

   I didn’t find babywearing goodness until my 4th kid was born, even though I tried it with #2 - 4. Finally it stuck with The Boy. He was the one with whom breastfeeding worked, as well.

   Kudos for a good post! And child labor…

10. TulipGirl

    Like you, I regret using Babywise, too. I know that mamas who use it are well-intentioned and love their babies, but it is such lousy, lousy advice and so often hurts the mom and baby.

11. roaringmommy

    Amen, amen, amen on the co-sleeping thing.

    All four of our children have slept with us. Our oldest left when he was about four, the twins (who are now four) drift in sometimes (one more than the other) and our youngest who is 20 months is still with us. And you know what? I love it. And you know what else? People (my mother-in-law being one of them) have such HUGE issues with this.

    My side of the family, who are mostly all from Alabama and who are also very pro-breastfeeding until the child wants to stop, think it’s wonderful that we co-sleep. It was how everyone “way back then” and “down home” did things. My mom still remembers waking up in the middle of the night, tapping my grandpa on the shoulder and then he would reach into a bucket of ice and retrieve her milk cup so she could have a few sips before drifting back off to sleep. How sweet.

12. Cathy

    We co-slept with all our babies, even after we were told not to by the nurses and others. My 10 almost 11 yr old will still climb in bed with us if she gets spooked by bumps in the night. My husband is on the road and I also have trouble sleeping, so I can totally understand my daughters’ fears at night!

    Anger management! LOL you sound exactly like me. And my hubby reminds me too and he’s usually right! It doesn’t take long to calm down and I usually end up mumbling to myself “Momma needs a time out and I’m 31, so that gets me what 31 MINUTES!” and I go to my room for a half hour LOL

13. Jesse

    ok, first stop changing your blog urls. I keep “losing” you! Other than that, change from knowledge (or desperation for sleep) is good. I take a long time to change, often I think I’m stubborn and quite moronic and I have lots of parenting moments I could talk about to prove it. I melt down and have demon-mommy moments, even a really bad one just last night over a video game I wanted to play and the disc was scratched/not loading. I mean how much more childish can that get? TBH I feel a teensy bit better knowing that even the mom I regard as “having it together” can be as enraged as I can be at times.

14. OMSH

    Cathy - Hmmmm … perhaps I need to initiate the 34 minutes of bathtime anger management time out for me too. What a FAB IDEA!

    Jesse - I swear I’m not TRYING to lose you. I dumped Sanders5 b/c I needed something that was … um … different. OMSH is a collective dump of everything I’ve ever wanted to do with a blog. We’ll be here for good while, so no worries! *wink*

    Oh, and glad you found me. I tried to email all those that were at Sanders5, but so many emails returned defunct.

15. Nancy

    Another great post! Thanks for sharing and being so honest. I had my first child 18 years ago, tomorrow. I was 19 and didn’t know anything. I formula fed, had never heard of babywearing, etc. Luckily she turned out great; smart as heck (graduated high school early and is in college) and is very healthy. With my son, I tried breastfeeding and it didn’t work out; I was very disappointed. The baby wearing? I LOVE it. He hates the Bjorn though ($80 down the toilet), but loves the Rebozo I got from peppermint.com. I wear him around the house and when we go out. It’s so much more convenient than those infant carrier car seats. I’ll stop now before I turn this into a post all it’s own. Thanks again for sharing. :)

16. MMM

    I have to say that I got SO SICK of hearing my dad and grandparents telling me that we NEEDED to get our child (Love Bug) out of our room, and that it wasn’t right for her to be there. SAYS WHO???? It made me sooooooo mad! We both enjoyed that we could comfort her and give her that peace. I felt sort of sad along with glad when she wanted to go back to her own room.

17. Friglet

    What a great post! I have to say that I can totally relate. Part of life when you have four kids like I do, is realizing along the way the things you did wrong. There are so many things that I did differently with my youngest that I didn’t know enough to do with my oldest.

    We do have to remember though, all of the things we did right. My oldest got quite a few perks that my younger ones will never get. Like my undivided attention.

18. dcrmom

    I seriously could have written this entire post. Every. Stinkin. Bit. Actually, not the babywearing. Although I regret that I haven’t been able to make that work. The anger thing, mine is DEFINITELY related to PMS. But I am afraid to take meds for it. My dad is bipolar, and meds have messed him up worse than he was without them. So I steer clear, pray, and try to use self-control to get thru the worst of my hormonal times.

    The co-sleeping, the babywise, you hit the nail on the head. The only thing is I never got the hang of baby-wearing. I tried the sling and the Baby Bjorn but never could get comfy. LOVE my Maclaren. :-)

    Anyway, I forget how I found your blog, probably on the Ultimate Party last week. But I’m added it to my Bloglines.

19. Kim

    I’m only on number one (and I am still in debate if number two will ever even happen) but I’ve made a lot of changes in the last 14 1/2 months. I did originally buy a cheap version of the Bjorn, but being a whopping 5′2″ and having a son that’s up there on the charts it became uncomfortable before he hit the 30-something pound limit. I then resorted to slinging instructions from material and I tie him to me when we go out a lot of the time. Sometimes he does prefer the stroller and he goes in there then.
    We’ve pretty much co-slept from the beginning. He would always wake up when he was put down so I let him sleep with me so I could get some sleep. He still does and we’re happy that way despite most people’s claims that I’m spoiling him and I’ll regret it.
    I wish that I could have breastfed him, put due to some problems I was not able to safely do so. Hopefully if number two ever happens I will be able to until it no longer feels right.
    In all honesty, I’ve just done whatever seems to feel right to me and works for him and followed my instincts as much as possible. I realize that not everyone has them or are able to recoginize them in our modernized society so I don’t hold it against anyone.
    Oh, yeah, hi, I’ve been stopping by every once in awhile for a bit now but I don’t believe I’ve ever commented.

20. OMSH

    Mom2Six - I just want to AMEN! this comment you made: “My mother says she always feels sorry for the first-born child. We make most of our mistakes on them. I know I have learned more with each new child.” I think that is the blessing of having multiple children. You are graced with another “go”.

    And coolbeans, I know you said this half tongue-in-cheek, ““We should keep having babies. I think we’ve just about got it all figured out!”, but we’ve laughingly said those EXACT same words. It is funny that he joke’s on us b/c each child is so different and therefore, has to be handled differently in some areas.

    sara - The Estrogen Files - I *heart* me a good groupie. Stick around *wink*

    Tulipgirl - Did you write the article you linked. Wow, what a testimony. It isn’t the first time I’ve heard/read about mom’s not realizing they are starving their children; it gave me cold chills.

    Friglet - Thank you for the reminder - we DO have to remember that we did some things right too. It is very easy for me to focus on my shortcomings.

    dcrmom - Weee! I’m in someone’s bloglines! I’m doing my fanny tailspin now, can ya see it?

    Kim - Welcome …I think that as long as you are holding a baby close it matters not how/when/what/where. :) We preferred carriers, but some just pop’em on their hip.

21. the SmockLady

    per your #5:
    I’ll see your anger/screaming issues, raise you 1 PMDD (for 48 hours every.single.month) and 2 tantrums.

    Sometimes my children just stare at me like, “Lady, what’s wrong with you?”

22. Angela

    I am loving this list. I hope you do more. It is great that you had these revelations because you can share them and others can learn from you.

    I have to say I am one of those people who believe(d?) in CIO and The Mrs. and I have talks about how I am anti kids in our bed. I am book marking this because I have so much to learn and you are making me rethink my stance on both those issues.

    Thanks for another eye-opening post!

23. sherry

    I am so guilty of #5 and I hate it about myself. I find myself shouting “don’t you CARE that I blablablablabla” and well, cripes, of course she doesn’t care that I have to get my work done or I need to get the baby down for a nap or that I need to wash dishes. She’s FOUR. I didn’t care about that at age four either. I need to get.a.grip.

    My MIL was so anti-co-sleeping and was shocked and horrified when she found out and so we just stopped telling her. She thinks she made us “see the light” about what is right and wrong about where children should sleep and meanwhile life is just easier without her knowing. It makes me a little sad that we have to hide how we do things because it makes me feel like we are teenagers sneaking around but it just eased tensions. It would be nice though if people could be more accepting of different ways, you know? Co-sleeping was the only way I ever got any sleep!

24. Laurie

    Patience is one that I can relate too, I am constantly reminding myself to be more understanding and patient and I need to remember not everything needs to get done SO fast or right this instant - patience.

25. OMSH

    the SmockLady - OH HECK NO … you keep your PMDD. Ouch. I’m sending your family a gift basket next month. bwahaha

    Angela - So many of my initial decisions were made based on ME. It seemed only natural … right? I mean MY BED, MY BODY, me, me, me, my I. Raising children is not about ME though. Raising children is abou them. What is good for them. What are their needs? Not forgetting myself, but understanding I don’t always come first once I give life and GIVE MY life to raising a child.

    sherry - thank you for sharing your experience with your in-laws. I know that whether it is in-laws or biological parents/step parents … at some point we all have to say, “This is my family. My decision.” Lovingly, of course, but geez … at what point are we adults? I finally figured out that it was at the point that we start making our own family decisions. The whole “leave and cleave” thing being tantamount. I’m glad you shared this - I can bet there are many in your shoes.

    Laurie - AGREED, but whatever you do … don’t PRAY for patience. Oh my, that is like asking for the sky to fall. Oh how it will fall.

26. the SmockLady

    OMSH - they’ll be expecting it if they read this. Problem is - still nursing ’round the clock (3 months old, 16 pounds, 27 inches long), it’s a bit unpredictable at this point. HA! OH, and the gift basket might ought to include ear muffs. ;)

27. veronica's mom

    when i read #5, i almost started crying. mostly out of relief, but, a little shame mixed in there. i just found this blog today and, trust me, i needed this. whenever i have one of my little fits, it’s followed by “why can’t i be more like other mommies?!”. i found out today, i AM. and i will be visiting here quite often, thank you…..

28. OMSH

    veronica’s mom - be relieved. :) Welcome.

29. Laura/PinkFontGirl

    :)

30. Jen

    Ive been reading for a while…catching up for a while!
    You make me laugh!
    This list is the exact reason I opted for One Kid! I didnt want to have a list of things that I wish I had or hadnt done with The First One.
    Instead, I have a running list of Things That I Have Done Which I Hope Wont Screw Up The One Kid I Have!! See, I am the first born…I was the guinea pig for my parents. I didnt want to do that with my kid…or rather; I didnt want him to REALIZE that I was doing that.
    #5. Holy Cow! My son is seven. I am mature like a seven year old a lot of the time. Ick!
    #4-As soon as that kid got a toddler bed and could get in and out at his leisure, he was in bed with us Everynight. Several times a night!! Laziness on my part would win, and I would cuddle with him. Up until this winter, when the dog was big enough to sleep in his room with him, he would visit us in the night frequently.
    Now that he has Dharma…he never comes in our room anymore. And, dont tell anyone, but I miss it.
    #3-I agree with you on the wearing your kid thing and the bond it creates.
    Im small in stature…so carrying that carseat around was just not an option for me. I loved my Kid Cozy. I wish I could still fit him into it…

31. OMSH

    - There were days I wish someone would bundle ME up and stick me in a Kid Cozy or Baby Bjorn of some kind.

    Our dog Bruno sleeps in Kenny’s room, but it doesn’t seem to slow down our night time visits.

32. Jesse

    Heather - I guess my email had to be one of them, as I went offline yet again, but I’ve reopened the same one ;) Way off topic, but last night I stumbled upon some really old MDC threads where you and I had just had our babies. *sniffle* Your comments to me were so sweet!

33. OMSH

    Jesse - ahhhh … send me the link.

    I think the server move is complete - so I shouldn’t miss any more emails. :)

34. Jesse

    http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=40585 Here it is :D

35. OMSH

    I REMEMBER THIS.
    Wow … here, here for Mothering Archives!

    Teehee …

    My birth story with Kenny is here.

36. Jesse

    Wow I remember that so well now! Here I go getting misty eyed and wanting to do it all over again. :)