Ohmystinkinheck

So, first let’s get the picture out of the way. I have spent the last 5 months torturing myself growing out my hair and thanks to you guys and Mr. OMSH, I have managed to grow out my Susan Powter spike I’ve worn for nearly a decade to something more … um … manageable.

That being said - and maybe it is the red hoodie - I think perhaps I’m channeling some cross between the Big Bad Wolf and Red Riding Hood. What else describes this rack of teeth?

"Grandmother, what big teeth you have!"

"All the better to eat you up with."

Note to self: When smiling in mirror - look at FACE, not camera lens, so as to know when smile looks like an orthodontist ad.

Now, on to more important matters…

DREAMS

Friends, perhaps I am processing some buried anxiety about leading a lab session with Jess at Blogher, but I’m dreaming some odd dreams. This one in particular. I want to apologize to anyone who was involuntarily dropped into my dreamworld. I love you guys. No seriously, we’ve done time together in dreamland and I’m truly feelin’ the love.

So here goes.

We’re all together in this big conference room. It is so big in my dream I can’t even see the end of it. Long and narrow. I’m addressing everyone for some insane reason. Unfortunately, I’m not actually speaking, but rather I’m singing. Yes, singing. I’m wearing a blonde wig, spitting out lyrics to Dolly Parton’s 9 to 5, and either I had a breast augmentation or I’ve stuffed Nerf balls in my bra. You can click out now if you must - this was a bit much for me to bear as well.

I scan the audience while singing - because I’m talented that way. I can both be singing and think thoughts independent of the song at the same time - Yeaaaaaaaaa ME!

Kerflop is at the front table. She’s drinking a cranberry juice, with her Mac on her lap, and her whole body is shaking. “Is she convulsing?” No, do not be alarmed - she is laughing at me. LAUGHING.

The next person that draws my attention is Lisa Stone - in skinny jeans, standing on a chair halfway back in the room. Folks - she is totally jammin’ out to my song. I can’t be certain, but I’m pretty darn sure this would never happen, but if it does … someone please get me immediately. If I’m a prophetess I really want to know it so I can start raking in the big money with my own 800 line.

People are entering the side doors - which seem to be spaced every 5 feet for infinity. Men, women and children are smiling and clapping and totally “into” me.

Man, I’m good.

And everyone in the room stands and sways and claps and who is that? WAIT! Secret Agent Josephine told me she wasn’t coming! And sitting beside her? I don’t know who she is, but her body is covered in pinkkkkitty tattoos and she’s as amused by me as everyone else, so I love her too! “Hi Pinkkkkitty Tattoo girl!”

I saw jenandtonic standing to the right talking to someone on a cell phone, then there was Chirky and Elisa Camahort whispering to each other (probably trying to figure out how to get the microphone away from me).

In a moment of reckless abandon, I started walking down the steps, into the crowd, and I look back for a second and there are BACK UP SINGERS. I am hot stuff. I’m solo’ing it at Blogher with backup singers dressed in blonde wigs and sporting big breasts. Mandajuice! Where are you? Are you taking pictures? Boobs! There are boobs!

And then I woke up.

And I was inspired.

So I wrote and recorded this diddy just for you. To laugh. And hopefully, to satisfy the universe so I won’t embarrass myself when I actually AM standing up in front of a much smaller group of women in the lab session.

RIDICULOUS REWRITE OF DOLLY’s 9 to 5: [Download if you dare.]
PC’ers: You may want to open it in a new window if ya wanna read the lyrics while you listen to me screech.

LYRICS

Tumble outta bed
And I stumble to my laptop
Gotta log on and meet up with Kerflop
Coffee’s on - I slowly come to life

Kids wake up
And their mouths start whinin’
Kisses goodbye
to Mr. OMSH-man
Moms like me on the job from 5 to 3

(Chorus)

Workin 5 to 3
What a way to make a livin’
Laundry’s killin’ me
Kids what happened
to the kitchen?
Meals are not on time
Put some fast food on the debit
Its enough to drive me
Crazy if I let it

5 to 3, my butt is getting bigger
It’d be wise if I
Would invest in a stairstepper
Want to stay ahead
But the fam won’t seem to let me
I swear sometimes my kids are out to get me
Mmmmm…

They miss the pot
Just to watch it splatter
What the heck is this
On the bathroom counter?
The bath’s got rings that’ll never go away.

Customer email
“Where’s my website?”
Summer’s arrived
Lock the kids outside
And the clock won’t stop
Need more hours in the day

———

This is the mind of a woman wacked-out on Cherry Coke.
I’m so, so sorry.
No, really.

22 Responses to “Parton me Dolly … It’s Workin’ 5 to 3.”

1. Jamie

   Move over Dolly! OMG that is too funny.

   Also, your hair is gorgeous! And your lipstick matches your shirt.

   Dude, I need me some Cherry Coke. I’m kind of in a creative funk lately.

   Seriously you are gonna kick some BlogHer booty and I really think you need to dress up like Dolly for your session.

2. MR. OMSH

   She’s actually planning on dressing up…secret’s out! You just have to attend to find out the details.

3. OMSH

   Mr OMSH - I don’t have a blonde wig and I had my breasts cut off 4 years ago now. So … um no, I will not be impersonating a woman who has a waist the size of my left thigh.

   Jamie - I notice I always put on my lipstick at the start of the day, but never take it with me to refresh it later. Lip balm does wonders.

   And really - there just is something about cherry coke - ESPECIALLY from Sonic. My gut is rotting, but wow those creative juices are flowing.

4. MR. OMSH

   Then how do you explain the following being on the Walk-Mart list from lastnight:

   1. girdle
   2. Daisy Duke shorts
   3. two (2) Nerf Balls, large

   ????????

5. OMSH

   You forgot the high heels, celullite cream and video camera.

6. jen

   You crack me up, as always!
   You and Mr. OMSH? Hilarity at its best.
   Have fun at Blogher!

7. Kami

   Great song!

   And I love your hair, it looks great :-)

   My hubby prefers long hair so I can relate to Mr. OMSH wanting you to grow it out. Men are sometimes so predictable - part of their charm, no?

8. Loralee

   Please tell me that you sing this while “Playing your nails” like Dolly!!!!!

9. coolbeans

   You are a riot.

   (Video of “Playing your nails”, please.)

10. saj

    oh man oh man do I wish I was going. I’m just going to have to will myself there and hope I have vivid dreams like you do. That girl with the pinkkkkity tattoos? Maybe she was Baby Bug in the future? Ack!

11. saj

    One more thing, sorry. You haaaaaaaave to sing at blogher! Come on guys, do it for me. Make her sing… at least in a bar somewhere after the session.

12. Lori

    Normally a lurker, but had to say I love the song! I need me some of that Cherry Coke, my creativeness is pretty non-existant.

13. nicole

    You are delightful! So funny. I am with SAJ…you must sing at blogher!

14. jenB

    This is a fantastically detailed dream. You should win an award for it. The nerf boobs, the singing, kerfloppy, all of it. I cannot wait to meet you again beautiful lady and if you want to, sing your heart out!

15. Laura/PinkFontGirl

    you are most definitely the only singing blogger i’ve heard. hehe. well, i do have an LJ friend who sings on occassion, but it’s mostly Sondheim tunes. hehe.

16. Laura/PinkFontGirl

    well, i also said “you’re so silly” at the end of that :P

17. Kristen

    LOVING THE HAIR!!! Waiting to hear the singing and seeing you at Blogher.

18. Friglet

    You have a beautiful voice and some mad song writing skills!

    Your hair looks great, aren’t you glad you let it grow?!

19. OMSH

    jen - you should see us at the dinner table. Now that the kids are older they are starting to join in. I fear we are adding to their future teenage sarcasm. Oops.

    Kami - Yes, predictability is key when the spouse has mood swings that move the richter scale. And thank you for the compliment. *smooch*

    Loralee - Oh yes, one can never write lyrics without playing their nails. OF COURSE I don’t HAVE nails, so I have to visualize them, and it sort of slowed me down … which is why I have much less verses. :)

    coolbeans - video = proof. proof = video. There will be no proof around these here parts!

    saj - Um … really that girl with pinkkkkitty tattoos was kinda rough. I’m thinking BB will be less … um … how do I say this nicely … staunch???

    And saj and nicole? There will be no singing at Blogher. I do this here and for you guys in the safety of my home and headphones (which is why the sounds bites/bytes by the way).

    Lori - THANKS FOR DELURKING. Hmmm … maybe I can use this desire to embarrass myself online to help others delurk.

    jenb - I dream in spurts. Or rather I remember my dreams in spurts. I’ve hit a really active dream patch these days. I put a pad by my bed one night. I remember writing a whole lot of something. When I woke up it looked like this … x;lkjadlieuraoj va lksajf;oaiu ;aih

    Award winning stuff, to be certain.

    Laura/PinkFontGirl - I’m going to take that as a compliment … I … er … think.

    Kristen - Get your ‘coktail’ outta here! bwahahaha. Okay no really - I’m not laughing. Not at all. Thank goodness for dads, no?

    Friglet - I am glad I let it grow, but I can’t get ready in less than 15 minutes from shower to walking out the door anymore. That is one down-side Mr.OMSH hadn’t figure into the mix.

    I’m glad he’s suffering a little.

    Wait til he pays for the straightening iron. I had to go with ceramic, after all! BWAHAHAHA!

20. KYouell

    I had to come back here to your latest song and comment. I just listened to a “Car Songs” cd we were given for our 2yo to listen to on vacation and one of the female singers sounds *just* like you. I tried to find it on Amazon, but the one there is different. Nothing on the website on the cd case either. And there is no info on the cd about who is singing. I know it’s not really you because the accent is missing, but otherwise it’s quite uncanny.

21. Mim

    This is absolutely hilarious! Love the lyrics and the image of you singing. Too funny. Wish I could come to blogher but we’ve done our trip out west already.

    Best of luck!

22. OMSH

    KYouell - Now I’m going to have to go and check it out. If I’m singing on a CD I really need to know about it. Sometimes I wake up exhausted and that would explain everything - someone taking over my body and voice when I’m unaware!

    Mim - Plan ahead - Blogher ‘08! :)