Ohmystinkinheck

I might not be able to speak on behalf of all mommy bloggers, but I would bet my Dyson that most of us share our most intimate details online because we can hardly believe that in the midst of our somewhat mundane, and likely boring, lives are glimmers of absolute insanity; those moments where you must pick up the phone and call your girlfriend because “HELLO?!! DO PEOPLE REALLY DO THIS?” These special moments are sitcoms in the making; the real life bloopers not shown on American’s Funniest Home Video.

I just got off my monthly cycle; for the clueless readers on board - that means I have successfully shed my inner lining - which is not at all related to finding your inner child - unless you are … well, deeply symbolic; which I’m not.

Anyway, the occasional cramping, constant chocolate cravings, and recurring personality disorder were tolerable, but on the crux of this month’s events I might have quite possibly lost my mind - if only for a brief moment.

I have this thing about feeling fresh. This means I do a LOT of underwear laundry and wear cotton - the breathability factor simply cannot be beat - granny panties or not. So, when I came off the Soul Flow I set forth to begin my cleansing ritual. I went in search of my Tea Tree Oil. I looked high, low, and everywhere in between, but it could not be found. I did, however, find the Peppermint Essential Oil - which, I figured, would be a good replacement.

I filled my peri-bottle with warm water and dropped in the Peppermint Essential Oil - with a few add’l drops for good measure. I began spritzing away the muck of the month, enjoying the fresh, wintergreen tingle. Within seconds, the damage had been done though. I went from feeling like I had applied chapstick to my girlie bits, to a quick rise in temperature, much like being dipped in a bath of Hall’s Mentholyptus, and then … I birthed a family of jabenero peppers.

Not thinking - or perhaps, thinking too slowly (I’ll give me SOME credit.), I quickly ran to the sink, dousing a wash rag with cold water and shoving it between my legs as quickly as I could. HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THINGS CANDY CANE! THAT was NOT the right choice - honestly, it was nothing short of immediate frostbite … which is odd for an area that is normally 98.6 degrees. OFF flew the washrag - and then I did the most sensible thing a girl can do when such things happen - I started running.

Naked.

Through my house.

Holding my chachi.

At any rate, it would NOT cool down … I was AFLAME - suspended above the perpetual fire of hell and damnation.

Finally, I figured I’d fight fire with fire and I drew a warm bath while hopping back and forth on the tile. Did you know that your sweet nothings can make this sound — > “tszzzzzzzzzzzzz!”? Just like hot roofing tar and rain, baby.

At first it was almost unbearable, but then when I realized I had successfully sat still for 2 minutes I knew I was coming down from the nightmare.

Though I now know what the inside of a microwave feels like … we’re healing now, thankyouverymuch.

The moral of this story is … Peppermint Essential Oils are better left to the vaporizer. On the other hand, if you need a quick skin peel on your sweet netherines, you can’t beat it for the price.

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