Ohmystinkinheck

**If there are errors in this post it is because I knew if I previewed it I’d never publish it. Deal with any errors and just take the honesty for what it is…my experience poured out for the possible benefit of others.**

It has been six months since I wrote this post. Six months.

Six months since I was handed a med that supposedly would help govern the constant tears and the ebb and flow of sadness that was slowy reaching a depth I felt I couldn’t tread.

It has been six months since I told Jeff that on most days I could not tell which I wanted more…to live or to die.

It has been six months since he said, “Let’s go see a doctor.” and took me in.

If I look back on the last couple of decades of my life I can see slowly increasing cycles of emotional undercurrents; they hid behind a smile, a joke, or laughter. When I couldn’t hide them I’d hide myself. If you asked anyone if Heather was capable of depression they’d look at you like you were mad. “Heather? The one that loves life? The goofball?! NO WAY!”

Well, yes–me.

The same person that loves life can hate it.
The same person that laughs with you Friday night can be buried under their bedsheets on a Saturday morning here and there…not wanting to face a new day.

Don’t get me wrong. I am blessed. My life has been blessed by any standard I can see. I know of God’s mercy when I look at my life and I’m so very thankful. I love my husband and my children and now, I even have the pleasure of raising my children near my parents, and having family I love all around me. My life is good.

So what was wrong with me?
I was depressed.
I am depressed.

But I’m not gonna fight it with meds anymore. For one, the meds are terrifying. And? In order for them to work they will, I can see, have to be slowly increased over a period of time until I won’t be able to live without them.

Is that what I want?

No.
Absolutely not.

Before anyone reads this as a judgment on their personal decision…

…please understand I am speaking for myself. I want to share MY EXPERIENCE. You have YOUR experience. For most of you, I don’t personally know your experience, so when you read mine, please take it as MINE.

Let me first introduce you to my history with meds. I have none. Baths have been the remedy for body aches. Showers and early bed times remedy headaches. A heating pad remedies muscle pain. Tylenol or Advil (whichever we have) is reserved for when I have to be out in the real world with my pain, but for the most part, I just don’t do “drugs” - even over the counter ones.

There is one drug I love - Alka Seltzer Cold and Flu. That stuff knocks me out when I can’t sleep and gives me the rest I need to heal.

I’m an Alka Seltzer junkie…thought you should know I love me some plop-plop*fizz-fizz.

But seriously, no recreational drugs (and I’m not just saying that because my parents read this blog - I’m 35, they’ve long since heard more than they probably wanted to know), and although I love a good margarita or two, you won’t see me staggering out of the restaurant, because one-I don’t believe in drunkeness, and two, I have a deep need to be in control. Oh, and I hate the “buzz.”

Buzz = blech.

SO…why I agreed to take a mind-altering drug to help me deal with sadness shows you how desperate I was for a solution. It also shows you how much I had forgotten about myself. I didn’t need drugs - counseling, prayer, vitamins, healthy diet, exercise, yes - definitely. An antidepressant? No.

Getting on the Effexor Train

The antidepressant that was prescribed for me was Effexor. I began with the starter pack - I believe it is 35mg and then, after a week or so, I went to 75mg. I never went above that dosage.

The immediate effects? The worst headaches I’ve ever experienced. A pain would begin in my jawline, move up and behind my ears and then pierce through to right above and around my eyes, finally circling the entire part of my skull. NO amount of Tylenol could touch this bad boy. I spent a lot of time in bed trying to sleep.

Oh, and I squinted. A lot. It hurt too bad to release the constant squinched face.

There was nausea, achyness in my jaw, and my head felt like it weighed about 50 lbs.

And then, it was gone - the headaches, that is.

So, after about 3 weeks on the meds, I FELT AMAZING. Yep, I was thinking GOOD STUFF.

It was like a new day. Oh my goodness, “Has the sun always been this bright?” I thought. Everything was touched with glitter and the days shimmered with hope and excitement.

“This is life on Effexor?” I said over and over. “WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG?”

And then, I went somewhere and forgot the Effexor.
And the headaches were so horrible that the weekend was barely manageable.
I came home and got back on track and within 3 days I was back to feeling like I had died and come to live in Utopia.

When it was good–it was that good.

The only side effect? Well, there’s no other way to say it-sex wasn’t as heightened. For everything else that just glowed, I figured that I’d be on the mountaintop sexually, but that wasn’t so. I didn’t lose the desire for sex - it was there. I did lose some of the sensitivity of the nerves in and around my vagina (great…crazy Googlers are going to arrive now) and when I asked my doctor about it he shook his head knowingly.

Apparently that numbness would likely stick around.

I’ve gotta tell you that is a side effect I didn’t want to stick around.

BUT…I have other areas that still liked to be handled and so, I figured I’d make do.

I did.
We did.

Getting off the Effexor Train

It was never my intention to be on antidepressants forever. I wanted to use them to help cope during a hard time and then, when I was ready to cope without them, get off.

Riiiiiight.

Not so easy.

I noticed that some of the sadness had returned and I knew that I could increase my dosage and it would fade away (or be hidden away, it seems) but I was truly convicted that I was making the wrong decision if I did that.

I didn’t want to be medicated any more.

I felt strong (the Effexor maybe?) and wanted to fight my fight again.

My initial thoughts were that I’d make an appt. and ask for my doc to wean me off the Effexor. I knew I was on the lowest regular dosage, but I could go to the starter dose of 35mg and then go down from there, right?

My plan was ousted though when I lost track of time and the days and took my last pill right before a weekend. And you know what, I had no refills left.

I figured I’d cut my losses and go for it.

I went off.
Cold turkey.

Going cold turkey is pretty stupid for a smart girl.

So, I recognize that going cold turkey off antidepressants isn’t smart, but I wasn’t about to shell out the money for another month’s supply after 3 days of being off the things with only mild nauseau to show for it.

But the nausea turned to dry heaves.
Then the headaches.
Then the nightmares - I have had nightmares like you cannot imagine. The kind you can’t wake up from. The kind that follow you through the day and you have to pray away.
Then the night fears - waking up and just knowing you saw something out of the corner of your eye. Scooching closer to Jeff and for the first time since childhood, pulling the covers over my head to protect me. Oh yeah, because cotton sheets are like armor to the evil things that come out at night.

I have not been as productive as normal, because I have to take too many short breaks. To work for more than 2 hours straight puts me right into dry heaves; the nausea is that bad.

I’ll crawl into bed sweating and wake up shaking so hard I can’t hardly walk to the bathroom.

The other day I preset 911 on my phone because I could hardly breathe when I woke up from a short morning nap, could not stop shivering and was terrified I was gonna die and no one was gonna be around to help me. I was having a panic attack.

I have never had panic attacks.

Going off Effexor after only 6 months, on a LOW DOSAGE, is the equivalent of the first trimester of pregnancy + having the flu + hallucinations + every other bad thing you can think of…right down to weird itches.

I still feel like I’m in detox.

I am on my 8th day. It is getting a bit better. I do sleep, but it is not restful. I am working, but not the hours I could before. I have a few hours in my day that are manageable - from about 4:00 to about 8:00 I feel better than I do the other parts of the day.

I think the worst part of detox is behind me.

Short of being thrown in stocks and force fed this drug, I hope to never see it again.

IF you are considering going on it–please consider what it will take to get off it. Do some Googling. My situation is mild compared to what some experience. The side effects are absolutely terrifying.

I’m anxious to just feel normal again.

Whatever that is.

101 Responses to “No photos today…just a heck of a lot of honesty.”

1. Jummy

   Thank you for being so brave and sharing what you’ve been going through, Heather. Your words will be helpful to a friend of mine so I’m sending them to her.

   Thanks again.

2. Loralee

   I love your dry heaving guts, Heather.

   I have had my share of things like this and one day I determined that the drugs were probably making things a LOT worse (I was on way more than you, but I did do the Efexor thing as well.)

   I went cold turkey.

   It was hell, but I finally felt better. Sure, there are areas that really suck without them and I have a lot of “Issues”. Plus, there are periods where I ball up in my scrubs in the fetal position and remain in bed with a vat of cookie dough for way too long. It can be really bad.

   BUT. Over all? I fell less crazy and more in control. It’s been almost two years since I’ve taken anything and I am ok.

   So? I understand your choice and how hard the process is. HUGS.

3. Neil

   What you went through is pretty common. I’m always hearing about people getting off of Prozac and suddenly realizing the strong effect of the medicine. I think these anti-depressants have done people a lot of good, but I’m also a little afraid of pills — all types, even Contac — just by seeing how they work on loved ones and myself. Almost every pill seems to solve one problem — and cause another.

4. Shawna

   How terrifying! I can’t believe all that you’ve gone through . . .And to be willing to share the details of your experience with all of us in the blogosphere–you are one brave, brave soul. I think I speak for all of your readers when I say (write?) that we are all here for you, in every and any way. We’ll gladly be the crutch you need to move forward, to feel better.

   And P.S–you never cease to amaze me. In a good way.

5. Jenni

   Wow. I can’t imagine. Thank you for sharing this story. I appreciate how difficult it was for you to have this experience and then share it. Many hugs to you!

6. Lori

   I just hope the best for you…I’ve never dealt with depression on such a serious note so I can’t even imagine what you must go through…

   Thanks for the honesty and sharing with us. You are brave & wonderful!

7. Marue

   I admire you for being able to put that out there for everyone to read. Hopefully it will help someone else down the road. When my daughter thinks she needs help in the form of medication, I fight it tooth and nail, even knowing how depression feels. I often feel guilty for doing so but now I feel that it was the right decision, for now. Best wishes.

8. ashpags

   Love, hugs, and prayers. You are amazing!

9. Rhi

   I’ve been on Effexor on and off for 5 years. Going off it is terrible, terrible, terrible. The dizzies, the waking up sopping wet from sweat. Yikes.

10. Mandy

    I am so emailing you right now girlfriend. You’ve got mail!

11. bethany actually

    Hang in there, babe. You know prayers are going up for you, right this minute!

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13. Suzy

    Oh my gosh! I want to call you right now and tell you that you aren’t the only one!! I went off of Effexor and thought I was going to absolutely die! I had many of the same symptoms…the headaches, the dizzies, the vertigo, the nausea, and for me paranoia, and anxiety. My doc actually prescribed me Prozac to combat the side effects that my Effexor withdrawl was having on me…what the heck!?! The point for me was to get off the stinkin’ pills! Thankfully I got through it, but it took months. You will get past it and it will get better. Hang in there!

14. Liz C.

    Heather, I’m sending out prayers for you from the Rockies… the gaurdian angels we get out here tend to be pretty massive and brawny, with big ol’ wings and tremendous legs.

    Wish I had some vasty words of wisdom or something more beyond those angels. The dear ones I know who cope with depression have had similar results with other meds, and I know what it feels like to watch a loved one deal with that–I can only imagine what it’s like from the inside.

    One scripture I really do believe is “All things are possible in Christ, who strengthens me.” SomeOne really does know what you’re coping with.

    And your honesty? It’s a gorgeous thing.

15. Natalie

    May I offer a hug? Seriously, you have given me something, and I want to offer something in return. I have been really, really sad and it has reached points like you have described and the internet might seem like the last place to speak-up or reach out, but I get it. And just knowing that another woman is looking for answers and trying to cope, gives me hope, comforts me in some inexplicable way. I have dabbled with open-honest-raw posts, but they freak my mom out and make me feel lame. I appreciate your openness and honesty… I recognize the strength and optimism it takes. Uhm… I am rambling here. Sorry. I am going to be thinking of you and hoping that we both find a drug-free glitter and glow in our blessed lives, without numbness and crying jags.

16. Angella

    I have never had to deal with what you are going through, but it sounds just awful.

    Sending huge hugs and even bigger prayers your way. Love you.

17. mommymae

    hoping you are feeling better from the detox and depression sooner rather than later. you are very brave to post about all of this.

18. Mrs. Wilson

    Have you ever seen those drug commercials? For some random drug for some random made-up new illness? The side effects are WORSE than the original illness.

    That’s what this seems like.

    I’m so sorry that you’re suffering! I really know nothing about depression, although I started researching it recently because I think I’m a bit borderline. (I scored 7 out of 8 on some research quiz.) I’m avoiding “the appointment” because I hate drugs as well. (Although I sure loved them in high school.)

    Anyway, I will pray for you. I’ll pray that this detox thing will END and that you can find some lifestyle/diet/routine thing that helps you instead.

    The Lord is ALWAYS on your side and is always there to comfort you when you’re hurting. He will help you through this, that I firmly believe. Maybe you won’t feel better for a while, but there’s someone holding you along the way.

    You’re an amazing lady, and I so admire your complete honesty.

19. chocolatechic

    (((hugs)))

    Having been on that train, and jumped off cold turkey too….I understand.

20. Kristin

    I’ve never been on meds, but did go through a couple of years of depression. I considered meds, but decided not to for many of the same reasons.
    I found that if I did a few things a week that helped me feel good that was enough to keep going. I found a few books that were a joy to read and did a bit of low impact home improvement. Keep feeding your soul.
    ((hugs)) and prayers.
    Kristin

21. anonymous

    I was on Effexor, a very low dosage like yourself, but had to quit cold turkey because I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant (because they didn’t yet about this new drug’s effects on pregnancy…this was 6 years ago). I have NEVER thrown up so violently and been so nauseated in my life. It was probably the combo of being pregnant and going through withdrawals, but no pregnancy can even come close to what I went through. I feel your pain! Yikes. Thanks for being so honest. I’m glad you have such a supportive hubby. :)

22. SparklieSunShine

    If you are anything like me (which really you aren’t, haha) that detox feeling is going to last for a few months.

    I suffer from depression and when I was a teenager I went to therapy a bit and that is where I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. So from there I was put on various pills and I remember HATING the way I felt on those pills. I wasn’t sad, but I also really wasn’t happy. It was like going through life in a haze and I really didn’t feel like I had full use of my emotions.

    I decided to go off medication about a year later and that was really difficult. I started to examine myself and deal with my emotions as they came to me instead of bottling them up. Most of the time I feel like the most emotional sensitive person on the planet and I don’t remember the last day I got through without crying or tearing up about something. Now it’s just who I am. I work through it. I write, listen to music and make sure I do something I love everyday no matter how small.

    I didn’t mean to write a novel hear and like your post it’s just what I was thinking and wanted to share so I hope it makes sense. I just wanted you to know that I went off pills and I’m doing really well.

    It is just something I am used to know and I know to check in on how I am feeling everyday and if something is off what I should do to make myself feel better.

    Good luck. I admire your honesty.

23. Mike

    I’m not on antidepressants but my wife is and she has been for 10+ years. She was on one of the older ones, prozac maybe (I forget), and her doctor to her to just stop taking them. Idiot. She went through all the things you described, plus she was hearing lightning bolt type zaps in her head. It got so bad that she really thought she was going to lose it. I almost took her to the ER that day, but I was able to calm her down and she made it through that day. It takes a lot longer than you’d think to come off those drugs cold turkey. I think if you look it up it takes 2 to 3 weeks for the drugs to get out of your system. If the doctor had done his job he’d have done a scheduled withdrawal of the drug and that usually takes 2 to 4 weeks. I feel for what you’re going though, but in the future, please talk to your doctor first, he/she could’ve saved you and your family weeks of agony.

    Hang in there, it’ll get better.

24. SOUTHERNBELLE

    Wow, that is scary. I AM on Effexor and it is working beautifully. Now I am worried that if I ever get off what it will be like. Question…do you just have those side effects if you get off cold turkey or does the same thing happen if you wean off? Several people mentioned stopping cold turkey, what about weaning?

    Thanks

25. FireMom

    Oh hon. What a brilliant post. Thank you for sharing your experience. Not because I feel people should ALL act in one way or the other but having this kind of information out there is SO important for people trying to make an informed decision about medications.

    I’m dealing (and by dealing I mean failing at) with postpartum depression. After BigBrother was born, I did go on meds. NOT a great experience. At all. And so, I thought to myself, this time around… should I experience PPD again,… I would avoid meds. And I have. But GOD. Some days are SO FREAKING HARD. Bless my therapist but DANG. Every day is a struggle for me. But I’m trying.

    I guess I got all honest up in your comment box.

    Keep on keepin’ on. We’re rooting for you.

26. MMM

    Same thing with Paxil. Once you’re on it, you can’t go off. The withdrawal is torture. Sorry you’ve had to go through this.

27. Madelyn

    I have been depressed since I was a young woman, but didn’t realize that’s what it was until my husband died and I sought counseling. I still cycled in to the deepest blackest depressions. I have never been on Effexor but have taken Prozac, Zoloft and Wellbutrin in differentcombinations for the last 20 years. It works for me - but I have been off and on and changed, etc etc. If I miss a dose, I can tell within a coupla days cuz I slide way down low.
    I also have discovered that more folks than we would ever believe depend on antidepressants. It’s a chemical thing how you react(good and bad) to these meds. You’ve got 8 days under your belt - you know it’s hard on you.You know what to look for. Just hang in there and get on the other side of this.
    You know yourself the best - our bodies and psyches are all unique.
    I’ll be praying for you in this.
    Take care,
    ~Mad(elyn) in Alabama

28. Marcie

    Wow, girl. Thanks for writing this entry. I’m known for my zest for life. I had never been depressed a day in my life. I couldn’t even fathom what that was like. And then one day I started taking some medication for my stomach (bad stomach that can’t be diagnosed *sigh*). The drug worked, like a charm, and I was thrilled not to be sick to my stomach. Until I started feeling tired, and worthless. That turned into detachment and what I called joylessness. I didn’t even want to get out of bed. I didn’t know what life was for. It all seemed so pointless. And no matter how much I told myself I was blessed and I had a family and friends that loved me, it just didn’t matter because my brain wasn’t working right. The chemicals were making me not care about living. At all.

    It was a terrifying three months of my life and I fear ever feeling that way again. I was prescribed Prozac but refused to take it until I got the stomach meds out of my system. Luckily stopping the medication and purging it from my body, which took nearly 12 weeks worked and I eventually came around without the use of prozac but it was frightening. I felt so alone and even now am severely frightened of ever feeling that way again.

    It is so good to hear the stories of other people who are afflicted with depression. I have a new understanding now. A deeper respect for people who live with depression. And there are so many! So many people that I know that I would have never suspected.

    Good luck and thanks again for sharing. It’s comforting.

29. Beth

    Hi, I just started reading your blog. I was put on Effexor 5 years ago and it was so horrible. It ended up giving me Labyrinthitis which I still deal with to this day on occasion. It wasn’t until I began to take a good look at my life and figure out what was causing me to be depressed and filled with anxiety. I got counseling, and I did 12 steps. Now, I don’t recommend this for people who genetically need medication, but getting to the root of my poor self esteem, my inability to control my life, my past and my bad marriage made all the difference. I’ve been medication free for 4 years now and have never been better.

    {{{HUGS}}}

30. Michelle

    Bless your heart! Hang in there, we’re here for you, we love you, and I’ll be praying for you.
    I went off Zoloft a few months ago and I had dizziness and headaches but none of that other stuff. It was worth it though, I’m ‘reset’ and much better. I’m sorry!

31. carrie

    I did the exact same thing you did - cold turkey just a few months back. It has been interesting. Your quote “Going cold turkey is pretty stupid for a smart girl” is spot on! I had a lot of the same side effects, but one you didn’t mention was that my face went numb, like I was drunk in the face. That lasted 2 weeks. Good luck!

32. Golden

    I was on SSRIs back in the day and when I decided to go on them, I was terrified to experience what you are experiencing. I remember the doc telling me to taper down and I tapered down way more slowly than that. I was neurotically shaving off molecules with a razor blade to taper down as slowly as I could. I hear you. I’m sorry you’re struggling. I am at a point right now in my life where I am considering meds again. This post has me thinking again….Be good to yourself, Heather.

33. Angie Garza

    When we moved to Colorado and I was away from family, I was sooo depressed. The doctor put me on Celexa to “reset my thermostat”. I had to titrate up to get the maximum benefit and then after about 2 months, reduce the dosage 5mg at a time until done. Total time was 3 months. During the treatment I felt okay…I could function without bursting into tears. BUT, I still had to deal with being away from my family. Nine years later i’m still “dealing”. Good luck…keep on plowing through…I totally love your blog!

34. RebelRescuer

    You just hang right in there and get yourself fixed up. I’ve been there and it ain’t pretty. But it can be, and will be.
    Hugs,
    Reb

35. Nancy

    ((HUGS)) Been there myself. When my doctor gave me Lexapro I thought I was going to die after the first dose.One pill and I was hallucinating and dizzy and scared. Wellbutrin worked well for me and I took it for about two years. Sometimes I would like to go back on it. I’m quitting smoking in about 3 weeks and may need to take it again. Nicotine has been my anti-depressant for over 20 years. That is going to be hard to come off of.

36. Starr

    Wow, look at all the support. :) If it is one thing I noticed about depression, once you let the secret out you find out that everyone around you has been in your shoes!

    Just like almost every other person who posted I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia for over 7 years now. You name the drug I’ve been on it. I hate it, and it seems never ending. I hope you hang in there and stick to your guns about the medications!

    Be good to yourself always.

    Starr

37. Amanda

    Heather, I thank you for sharing these words with all of us. I am Jummy’s friend and she sent me this post.

    I was on the highest therapeutic dose of Effexor. I have depression and anxiety to a pretty high degree: my anxiety makes me break out in hives and I don’t, at this point in my life, have words to describe the depression.

    Going off Effexor was difficult and I did it without a doctor’s supervision. I tried going cold turkey and couldn’t do it; it led me straight to convulsions, tremors, cold sweats, and dizziness that knocked me over. Even cutting back slowly was very painful although I have now been free of drugs for about a month.

    I never experienced euphoria on Effexor: all it did for me was make me able to get out of bed, put on pants, and face the day. I liked that.

    I fight every day with the issues that I have. I know that medication is probably the best was *for me* to deal with my issues. However, I have a desire to be without medication right now and I am working with it. I know that a time may come — any day now– that I need medication to keep me where I need to be (i.e. on this planet). I have a select few close friends and family members watching out for me right now.

    Thank you for sharing your story, Heather. I haven’t been brave enough to blog about my current issues lately; partly because it is my own journey that I don’t feel others can understand, and partly because I don’t really want to face what life with emotional issues is like.

    I wish you the best in your journey and I hope that your writing about it can help others come to terms with their journeys, as well.

38. Laurie

    I’ve been there. I’ve made it through. You can too.

    One day I decided either God was going to lead me through the shadow of the valley or he wasn’t and either way he would never leave me. I don’t regret the decision…. at all.

39. Holly

    if only we had a time-flux-capacitor (back to the future style) so we could support each other in person and still be back home for breakfast.

40. Lou

    I’ve had some pretty crappy med experiences myself, so I know what you are going through. It bites. It also passes.

    I’m learning to live with myself. Give myself permission to feel and to be cranky and finding other ways to chill me out. I’ve decided the symptoms are easier to live with than the side effects.

41. Amanda

    Thank you for sharing your story, Heather. You are so brave. I’m praying for you.

42. Jenny

    I wish you a lot of luck. I know you can do it!

43. merrymishaps

    I wish I could send health and happiness your way.

    Hang in there, we’re all thinking of you!

44. mary

    Wow. This post brought tears to my eyes and was so incredibly TIMEly…you have no idea. I’m actually stunned.

    You are brave and strong and I can’t wait until you get back to “you”.

45. Cindy

    Hang in there! You can do it!

    Prayers and Mountains of Well Wishing is coming your way.

46. Lisa C

    I wish you ALL the luck in the world & offer my prayers to you! I am on the opposite end. I have never dealt with depression … but my husband has & does on a regular basis. He is on a variation of 3 different meds … TOO much as far as I’m concerned. Hang in there! I’m praying for your family as well ~ it’s just as hard on the receiving end when you just don’t understand what the other person is thinking or going through.

47. mama's got moxie

    sending prayers your way. :) best wishes…

48. Jess

    I don’t know you at all, but in my gut, I think you are making the right decision. What you said about needing prayer, counseling, a more healthy lifestyle really resonates with me. I think we don’t give those things enough credit, or TIME to really do their thing. We are all in a rush to FEEL BETTER NOW. I know it may be a long road - keep us all posted - we are with you.

49. Bethany

    hugs, prayers, and thanks for being so gorgeously honest. courage and strength to you for every minute between here and health and joy.

50. Peggy

    You are brave to share your story. So many of us Mommies can relate. Right now, I’m straddling the fence between seeing a doctor about my depression or trying other remedies such as walking, swimming, and reading.

    I’ll also probably go back to my nightly wine sipping. It keeps me calm.

51. Jozet at Halushki

    Oh jeebus…wow…one moment at a time. Just take one moment at a time.

    You’ll find a way through a beyond.

    You just will.

52. Elizabeth

    I didn’t get the chance to read all you wrote. I will come back to read, another day. I just wanted to say thanks for your honesty. I’m thinking of you.

53. Stephanie

    I know you will be able to get to a happier place without the drugs. You are a strong woman, we are all here to support you.

54. naomi

    i’m surprised that you didn’t wean yourself off. the backlash of going off any of the ssri’s can be wicked.

    everyone has to make their own choices about how to deal with depression. i’ve chosen to take medication because along with the depression (that was fairly profound) was significant anxiety which made it hard for me to even leave the house. since i wanted to do things and sex was and isn’t important to me, medication was the way to go.

    i don’t recommend medication for everyone. everyone has times when their life seems too difficult and situations hard to deal with. talk therapy can help deal with that.

    for people like myself, antidepressants are really a life giver and saver.

    i’m glad you’re able to make your choice and have the supports around you to make your choices work. i hope everything works out well for you.

55. that girl

    I needed to read this so badly tonight, you have no idea. Thank you.

56. iamboymom

    Been there, still struggling with the depression, but without meds, after having experienced the same sort of thigs you have gone through. Thanks for sharing your story, it’s nice to know there are others who understand. Depression sucks, but for me the meds sucked even more.

57. Claire in CA

    ((((Heather)))) I’m so glad the worst is over for you. Praying for complete healing of your depression, sweetie.

    As an aside, I have a friend who I talk to almost daily (she lives in TX, I live in So Cal). She asked me one time if I’m on anti-depressants because every single friend she has is on them, except me.

    I’ve toyed with the idea, but I’m like you - no drugs, ever. When the doctor tried to put my 13 yo on anti-depressants to cure her headache, I almost laughed out loud, and so did she. A side effect of the drug he wanted to put her on CAUSES SUICIDAL THOUGHTS IN CHILDREN. Um, but it’ll cure her headache. Lord, have mercy.

58. margalit

    You are SO brave. I’ve been on the same dosage of Effexor you were on for almost 5 years. The couple of times I’ve been unable to take it due to pharmacy/insurance glitches, I’ve gone right into the headache, dry heaves, hysterical sobbing, dizziness, muscle cramps, sweats, etc. It is NOT a pretty picture. I have every intention of NEVER going off the effexor. First, it’s the only AD that has ever worked for me, and I’ve tried most of them, and second, I’m so much more pleasant on it than I am off it. Hard to believe, but true!

    So for you, I have to send a big huge cheer that you’ve kicked this drug on your own. I know how hard it is, and you’re really amazing to be able to do it cold turkey!

59. Kristy

    *hugs* to you! I have been on many meds for depression, effexor was/is the worse to come off of, I know the effects it had on me when I weaned off, I can not even imagine going cold turkey!!!
    Hang in there hun, it HAS to get better!!

60. Leigh Anne

    Heather,
    I had the same experience coming off of Zoloft. I started taking it after my son was killed in a car accident. I did initially work and I quit crying all the time - in fact I could not feel anything any more. I knew that the answer was going to be an increase in dosage. I did not want to be on meds either and I did the stupid thing of going off without my doctor’s help. It took more than eight days. The fact that I am still alive is a miracle. It was the grace of God that my kids were in the van with me all the time or I would have run into a light pole, brick wall, lake, etc. I wanted me dead - not them. I would still go see the doctor and tell him what you are doing. These drugs are evil. They do not tell you that when they give them to you because you do initially feel better. Going off of them is torture. I can’t remember how long it took to get out of my system but I can tell you one thing for sure - I’m off of them and I will never use a mood altering drug again. Good luck and you have made a very good decision - please just tell your doctor what you are doing.

61. OMSH

    Leigh Anne - I do intend to talk with my doctor. There is a lot I want to say in particular about not being versed on the side effects-especially withdrawal side effects.

    Thank you all for your kind words, your show of support, and even for sharing your own stories–which is the toughest thing of all to do.

    I KNOW that there are some that are on these and don’t want off them. I just feel like for those that are balancing on the fence, I needed to share my experience.

    I am not a doctor (obviously), and I would not want my words to stand in the way of actual medical advice, but sometimes the doctors don’t tell ya everything. Sometimes the doctors have been lied to by the pharm. industry too. Either way, knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t have gone on them.

62. Leta

    I don’t have any stories to share, I just wanted to say I’m sorry you are going through this and I hope it is over soon. You’re in my thoughts & prayers. xoxo

63. Meg

    Wow, Heather. Hang in there. Thanks for sharing your story. You will be in my prayers.

64. Amy

    Heather I’ve been on the Effexor and then switched to Zoloft. I, too, decided to take myself off cold turkey. I can honestly say I can understand what a “junkie” might go through when in re-hab. It’s just awful and I completely understand what you’ve been going through. I was put on these after my hysterectomy for mood swings, and I actually think they made my psychiatric issues worse in the end :-(
    {{{HUGS}}}

65. Amber (Bringing Good Home)

    Oh, my dear sister.. first let me send you a hug.
    About 7 years ago, I went through a similar experience. I was depressed. I was numb and life had no joy. Nothing made me smile. Nothing interested me. I was a sad zombie walking through life with a smile pasted on my face. I thought I was pregnant since I couldn’t sleep at night, slept all day long, and was gaining weight. But when the test came back negative, my doctor asked me: “Are you happy?” And I broke down in tears right there in front of her. She offered to put me on meds (something I wouldn’t have ever considered otherwise) but I, too, was so desperate for help that I accepted the help, even if it came in the form of a tiny little pill. I was also on Effexor, and I also never went above the minimum dosage. I was on it from September to March/April.. and though I did not go cold turkey, it wasn’t easy. Before I actually started weaning myself off, everytime I would think I was ready and could do it, I would have an awful week. I’d stay on the meds, I’d do better, I’d think I could do it again, I’d have a bad week again.. I did that for about a month until I finally decided that enough was enough and did it anyway. I finally told all my friends and my church bible study group that I was on Effexor and was weaning off. I told them I was terrified and afraid I would have some really bad days, but I knew in the end it would be worth it. I asked them to pray for me, encourage me and support me through it all. And they did. And I made it.
    These days, I have good days and bad days, some better or worse than others. It was really bad for a whole year after I had my son. It’s leveled off a little since then and most days are good. I seem to go through it in cycles (and it seems to circle around my hormonal cycles.) When I’m low, it doesn’t take much to make me depressed. But I know that it’s mainly a matter of attitude and perspective. And I know that whenever I am down, drawing close to God will carry me through the day. The low days aren’t gone, but I have learned how to cope with them when they come. I need to keep a routine in my life, I need to keep a good spiritual walk with God, I need to keep perspective and not let circumstances dictate my mood, and I need to turn to God as soon as I feel “the shift.”
    I want you to know that I will say a prayer for you right now, and that I’ll probably think about and pray for you each time I visit, too. I fully support your decision, and I believe you can get through this.

66. Amber (Bringing Good Home)

    After reading Heather’s response about all the doctor stuff.. I guess I got a good doctor. She emphasized to no end that I was absolutely under no circumstances, no matter what, NOT allowed to go cold turkey. She said the side effects could be so severe, it could actually catapult me back into depression worse than before, and sometimes to the point of being suicidal. Even though I was on the lowest dosage, I believe we spent two weeks weaning me off. I don’t remember any headaches and nausea. Most of my problems were mood swings, fatigue, etc.

    So I would like to add, for anyone else on anti-depressants that is considering going off of them, please please PLEASE go to your doctor and map out a plan of action. I’d hate for anyone to have to suffer un-neccessary side effects. I’m sure Heather would agree?

67. stepmomof2

    Wow! I’ve been there and done that too unfortunately. Effexor is awful to get off of and I was taking 300mg per day!!!

68. tera

    I don’t understand why the Dr’s so often don’t tell you about side effects and the consequences of going OFF the drugs are. You hear all the time now about how people going off AD’s get suicidal, well, good grief! It’s no wonder!
    I work for the Police Dept here where I live and one of the things I do is take runaway reports. I am frequently appalled at how many of these teenagers are on drugs, PRESCRIBED BY DOCTORS! Sometimes these kids are on 2-4 anti-depressants at a time, and anti-seizure meds because it “calms” them, etc. It scares me. No wonder they run away, I’m sure they don’t even feel human most of the time. Now, I know SOME kids really do need SOME meds, but when are parents going to wake up and realize that sometimes the kids just need to be challenged, or paid attention to (you ought to hear some of these people talk about their kids, it’s frightening to hear a parent say some of this stuff)!?

    Anyway, I feel for you. And I pray for you. Peace be with you.

69. Leigh

    Oh, Heather. I’m so sorry. I’ve dealt with depression for years, and I am one that meds work for. I’ve never taken Effexor, so I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. But I will be praying for you. God is the lifter of our heads - and I am so thankful for that!!! Thank you for your honesty.

70. karey m.

    i’m sorry you’re going through this…if i could fast-forward you out of it all, i surely would. you take care.

71. Nicole

    It took me 3 weeks to feel ‘normal’ again after quitting effexor cold turkey. It was the worst 3 weeks of my life. I wish you all the luck in the world. Take it easy. The brain twitches will stop. I was on it for about 18 mos, and had to get off. It’s been almost 2 years, and I am doing great.

72. jody

    Thank you. When you described yourself, and how few medications you allow in your body, you described me to the tee.

    I have some cyclic anxiety stuff, and it gets really bad for 5 or so days prior to my period, and i deal with it by getting myself outside and into the sun. I run, surf, sail or just grab my iPod and go for a long walk alone. It ALWAYS makes me feel better.

    As I get older, it seems to get a bit worse, so I have considered going on Lexapro. I have a starter pack in my medicine cabinet, but I just can’t bring myself to take it. Just this nagging feeling that it is not the right thing for me.

    Reading this solidifies it for me, and I think I will stick to my outdoor activities…shoot, I even get a tan out of it. :*)

73. Janie

    Dearest Heather,
    What a brave soul you are for opening up your heart and sharing with us your personal struggles. I too have spent years in a bad place for no particular reason. I worried unlike any normal person and was afraid of talking to people or going out into public but I forced a smile and put on a brave front to keep from being crazy weirdo recluse. Then my compassionate doctor put me on Lexapro and it wasn’t a big euphoric change but one day I realized I wasn’t having “those thoughts” anymore and I wasn’t afraid of everything. After a couple of years I stopped taking it and there were no bad side effects but after a few months it dawned on me I was having “those thoughts” AGAIN. My doctor said “just take the meds and enjoy life” so I did and I still do. It’s a low dose and in fact I cut the low dose in half and I’m still good. It didn’t effect my sex drive either so IF you decide to stop trying to be so strong and accept a little help, please research some other meds and don’t judge them all by your experience with Effexor. Your honesty and bravery has earned my total admiration and a permanent place on my ever growing prayer list.
    In HIS grip,
    J

74. Shannon

    Heather,
    I’ve been a lurker on your blog for a sweet forever. A fellow Texas who lives in a maroon loving town not too far from you. After reading your entry today- I just had to come out of hiding to tell you how much I love your blog and how much I admire your honesty. Thank you for sharing your pain, heartache, and sadness. I am praying praying praying for you. Sweet blessings to you!

75. Rocks In My Dryer

    I am so glad you wrote about this. I just went off Lexapro after being on it for over five years. The withdrawal was horrible. HORRIBLE. I’m through the worst of it, but it’s still one step at a time…

76. nicole

    Bravo on your honesty. May God’s peace flood your very being.

77. bethany actually

    Not to argue against anything OMSH said here, but responding to a couple of commenter who wonder why doctors don’t tell people more about side effects:

    My first thought is that I bet doctors are wary of the power of suggestion and don’t want to emphasize side effects. Not everyone who takes a given drug will experience all the side effects, some will experience none, and some will experience side effects all over the map. Doctors are probably betting on the law of averages when they know a drug is effective and will treat the problem at hand.

    Also, I think everyone who has kids knows the feeling of remembering how they knew EVERYTHING about raising kids once upon a time…when they didn’t have any! Then your kids are born and suddenly you realize that when you were a childless “expert” you didn’t have a clue. I bet many doctors are the same way when it comes to what it feels like to experience a certain disease or the side effects of a drug. They can do their best to learn about it, but they won’t know what it’s really like unless they’ve experienced it for themselves. Which is why it’s so great that OMSH plans to talk to her doctor about all this, because she can help educate him so he is better-prepared to inform the next person about all this stuff

    Did I write enough? :-)

78. OMSH

    I am reading all these…thanks for the support. Thank you soooo much.

    For Amber (Bringing Good Home) who wrote: ”
    So I would like to add, for anyone else on anti-depressants that is considering going off of them, please please PLEASE go to your doctor and map out a plan of action. I’d hate for anyone to have to suffer un-neccessary side effects. I’m sure Heather would agree?”

    ABSOLUTELY would agree.
    I wasn’t joking when I said it was a stupid thing for a smart girl to do.

    bethany - good points…all of them. When I was going off I purposely did not go online to read all the horror stories UNTIL I was a week out.

    Today has been better and what do you bet I’m dancing on the prayers of those who’ve written here, read here, or written me in emails.

    Thank you all.
    Seriously - I could go comment to comment, but I felt I needed to only respond to those that asked a specific question and just bathe in the kindness of the rest of them.

79. karen

    Oh, Heather. You’re in my thoughts and prayers!

80. Jill - GlossyVeneer

    I know I’m a little behind in commenting on this. I’ve been thinking about this ever since I read your post. It had quite the effect on me. It helped me realize that I’m not alone in my feelings and I am not “crazy” for feeling this way. I’ve struggled immensely, and my days go back and forth between good, bad and ‘eh’. My mother has suggested that maybe if I talk to the doctor about getting “on something”, it might help. My feelings bounced back and forth between thinking “that might be a good idea” to “no, I don’t want to get hooked on something” to “no, drugs would mean I’m a failure”. It’s been hard, and I still don’t know where I stand on the issue. But I do know that your story has given me something more to think about.

    Stay strong, I’m sending prayers and hugs your way.

    No need to respond, just accept the virtual hug and I hope that it helps!

81. mommyknows

    Take care Heather. xo MK

82. ChaoticFat

    As one who took a bottle of pills fully expecting never to see the light of day again; one who wrote all of her goodbye notes to loved ones, and one who thought it was too painful to live, i completely understand your pain. I went to the headshrinker fully expecting to be medicated out of my depression. I got the Zoloft and Prozac but couldn’t bring myself to take either.

    It was damned hard, but I took my life one moment at a time. I stopped worry about anything; I no longer let my burdens rule my life and just dealt with them as best I could and moved on. Some worked themselves out, and other didn’t but I am no worst for wear because of it.

    I just started loving and living…for real, no pretense.

    Be well, CF

83. cat

    Hang in girlfriend..

84. Nicole

    Your honesty is amazing and I honestly thank you for sharing this with us and most of all me. Im glad to know because, I understand the darkness, the not knowing which is better life or death:/ Im glad you choose life!!

85. jamie

    Oh Heather.

    I don’t even know what to say, I know that I’m late in commenting… dial up slows me down incredibly!

    It’s interesting to me that you’re going through this right now. I’m weaning myself off of Wellbutrin. It was starting to have the opposite effect than it was intended… where I had more down days when on it than off of it. I’m down to taking about one pill a week, and the side effects have been fairly minimal for me…

    It’s hard to know what to do, isn’t it? It’s hard when you pray and pray and it seems like you’re still sad. It’s so isolating. I feel very much alone often times.

    I will be keeping you in my prayers. Please know that you are not alone.

86. amy

    Oh babe. My BFF went off that too and I was with her for some horrific times. I am so sorry this has been going on. I think yr a strong strong lady and I prayers from ohio and lots of good vibes are being sent yr way right now! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

87. Kristi from NY

    I have personally dealt with depression as I struggled along-side my husband while he worked through his diagnosis. A change in jobs and some changes to his lifestyle have been more help than the medicine. He is currently med-free and liking it. There are times that he still struggles with volatile anger, which is never fun, but our lives are much nicer now than they were several years ago. You are a brave soul and are surrounded by a great family. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you continue to work through this. Blessings!

88. 9milemom

    Oh goodness. your story is horrifying! but it is so good to share…because not all of us have great doctors that would keep us from being in that situation.

    I am quietly battling my own battle. Hubby just doesn’t get it. He means well, but just doesn’t get it. I am lonely where we moved to. Probably why I started my blog. Thought i could at least feel like I was talking to a friend. kind of like the invisible one i had as a child i think…LOL!

    we moved here 2 1/2 years ago. no true friends close by to go for a walk with, to have coffee with…to hang with. people are either not welcoming of new friends into their existing circles (i tried joining the pta and getting involved…didn’t work…)or everyone is busy with their own lives. makes me sad just sitting here typing this.

    on top of it all I’m a sahm (my girls are 4th and 6th grades) and I sub part time in schools. can’t find a job cuz the market is so tight…so I don’t have a job to bring me into a group of other women so i can connect.

    i know i sound pitiful…but it’s hard to drag yourself out sometimes especially when you are lonely.

89. MommasTantrum

    I hope you are through the worst of it. My doctor compared going cold turkey to being worse than getting off of HEROIN. Yes, it is that bad. I have been there. I have also been through the weaning off process, which still stinks, but not as much. All in all I couldn’t survive without it - after umpteen zillion meds and years w/o - but it is always best to communicate with your doc on this. (like you said)
    Best of luck with the recovery, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is good when you get there.

90. Deb

    Heather:

    I think you’re amazing and I’m sorry you’re struggling with this right now.

    You’ve made a decision that’s right for you and it’s going to work out the way it’s supposed to.

    I made a similar decision after I stopped taking Prozac (oh these so many years ago) and made some holistic changes (dietary, etc.) that seem to have helped in my case. But it’s different for everyone.

    Either way, you’ve got amazing support and blessings and TONS of virtual love coming your way.

    So I’m praying for ya.

    Deb

91. jenn

    I took Effexor several years ago and had the exact same issues. Needless to say, I am not taking it anymore.
    I wish I could be off medication for depression and anxiety, but sadly I don’t see that happening. Everytime I stop taking medication, even supervised by my doc, everything gets worse and I just can’t cope.
    Anyway..enough about me. Just know that things will work out for you. It will be hard, but it can be done. It sounds like you have a terrific support system.

92. Jersey Girl

    Thank you for being so honest and sharing such an intimate part of your life. I’m sending you HUGS.

93. darci

    You are in my prayers.

94. Heather

    Heather,
    hope you dont’t mind prayers from people you don’t know! Depression and panic is such a wicked thing. I so appreciate you sharing your experience, because I think so many try to hide it out of fear, and that makes it even worse. Hang in there getting off the meds. I’ve had the good and the bad of meds, but they are so different, and people react so individually. If you can make it without, that’s awesome! Blessings to you, and may your kids be angels, and your husband a saint during this time :-)

95. Busymomma66

    Heather,

    I’m like you–love the margaritas, but that’s as far as I ever wanted to go. I believe in baths and bed and plenty of water for the minor stuff as well. I went through a particularly bad spell a few years back, and went on Zoloft. It helped a lot. It gave me the lift I needed to see out of the dark spiralling hole of my depression. I was also in therapy (which I recommend), I was thankfully able to go off the meds after a while, but I have continued on with the therapy. It is the reason I am still off the meds. Like most women I ignore and stuff my feelings down deep. Everyone else comes first. That thinking pulled me down into the well. Now I am able to pull these feelings into the light and realize it’s ok to be mad, angry, sad and frustrated. It’s also ok (and even encouraged) to voice these feelings. I still have bad times, but not nearly so black and hopeless.

    This is just my story. I wish you well, and pray that you can come out the other side!

96. Adria

    From everything I have read Effexor is the devil to quit. I’m terrified of it, just from the anectodes I’ve read. Just what you wanted to hear, I’m sure.

    I am glad you’re feeling better & I have no doubt you can do this & be better for it. Much love through the hard times.

97. Ellen

    Just delurking to say how helpful this post was for me in garnering sympathy for my husband who has been weaning off Effexor for months (down to 150 now)- he got scared after reading a piece in the NY Times Magazine recently about psychs. being paid to push it, then having second-thoughts once realizing it’s crazy withdrawal symptoms. I’ve never heard an easy story about going off. Just so glad things are improving for you- hang in there!

98. Freckles and splotches and spots, oh my! | flawed but authentic

    [...] In the blogosphere that makes me one of the older more senior bloggers. I also am on Day 12 of coming off Effexor. From what I gather, this makes me normaler than someone…say, with an addiction to peanut [...]

99. Kate

    Delurking for once, to say that it is possible to get off Effexor–it just takes a lot of patience and a lot of strength, both of which I know you have in piles and piles. I tried doing it cold turkey and had the worst vertigo of my life. I could hardly walk, definitely couldn’t drive. Finally, I went back on and broke the pills (time-release) open, taking out one little ball of med at a time. It took a while to wean, but I never had the awful side effect again.

    Whatever you decide to do, we’re all here for you.

100. Adalheid

     I have two people in my household that are on anti-depressants. My boyfriend is on Zoloft and my son, who is 11 is on Celexa. My boyfriend tried to go off Zoloft after 8 years and had all of the symtoms mentioned here- zaps, stomach issues, weight loss, terrible anxiety and depression and agoaphobia. He started out at 100mg, went down to 0mg and could not take it, and went back to 50mg. He said afterwards when he was thinking clearly that he had never felt suicidal before all of this started, but he did when he tried to go of Zoloft.

     My son is currently trying to get of Celexa. I figure that since he is an oppositional kid, at some point, he is going to decide on his own that he does not want to be on it, so we are trying to take him off. He is only on 10mg and we are going down by 2mg at a time. Right now we are at 6mg, and it seemed to hit him the other night- when he had a suicide attempt.

     I guess that my feeling is, when is this going to stop? How many people are going to have to suffer these side effects or feel suicidal before someone does something about it? I hear all your stories (and I am astonished that there are so many of them)and for the life of me, I cannot understand why this is not illegal. Isn’t it wrong for companies to give folks a drug that they can never get off of without going through hell? Isn’t that an unfair business advantage at the least? Jesus, Microsoft was persecuted for making people use its operating system, but yet GSK, Merck and their brethren get cart blanche. Why?

101. Adalheid

     Something that I should have said- to all of you trying to get off these drugs, I believe that the human spirit can rise above what these drugs can spit out. Keep the faith and trust that things will get better.