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I’m burning baby - and it ain’t with desire.
08-8-2007 · 58 Comments
Along with the laughs, the suitcase of dirty laundry, the schwag, and a whole flickr set of incriminating photos, I also brought home a brand spanking new yeast infection.
YEA! Today we talk about CROTCHES and the battle being waged between my legs.
This is unlike any yeast infection I’ve ever had. It is external - as in, NOT internal. And y’know what? There is a heck of a lot of treatment out there if your yeasties crawl up in your chachi, but if those little critters camp out on your upper inner thighs, your choices are limited.
Being the granola girl that I’m not always - but maybe sometimes am, I decided to go FIRST with a powder treatment. Dry it up! Smoke’em out! Make it a desert up there in the ol’ Labial Crotch ‘o rena.
Things did dry out. In fact, to be more precise, they dried and cracked. And then, they bled. We’re talking dried cracks along my panty-line. Pulling on even the softest of granny panties has been the equivalent of shaving over razor burn and following it up with some aftershave, so I’ve been flying commando for over a week now.
Putting the medicated powder aside, I asked Mr. OMSH to stop in at our local CVS to scope out their supply of anti-fungal lotions. I went one extreme, let’s go the other. LUBE’ER UP! And I found what read like a solid homeopathic remedy. Words I couldn’t read or understand were in the ingredients and THAT has to mean something, right? I dropped half my savings at the counter and took home the 1 oz. of lotion that was to return me to my panty-wearing days.
I rinsed thoroughly, patted dry and applied. Shortly thereafter I was feeling rather reminescent of another such occasion where I birthed a family of jabenero peppers. Thankfully, the flaming chasm didn’t linger longer than it took me to do the Hokey Pokey and turn myself around.
Thing is, after a few more days I knew it wasn’t working either - the yeast was gaining on my leg - moving an inch further down my thigh and making plans to flank left to take the butt crack by the next full moon.
It took me walking into the living room with just a short shirt on, sitting on the ottoman, forcing my legs up in the air and exposing the fullness of the situation to Mr. OMSH before he could understand the yeasty kingdom under construction. And he did - kind of. “Does this mean Business Hours are over baby?” he asked. Yea baby, yea it does.
Being the kind man that he is, he struck a deal with me. “You iron my shirt for work and I’ll go and get you something for that mess.” Fair enough. Off he went to Walgreens while I stayed behind ironing … shutters closed … straddling a fan.
He brings home jock itch cream, which according to the pharmacist SHOULD reduce my discomfort.
I give it two days. There is NO WAY I’m living with this for another week. The Yeast Leader is a highly aggressive opponent with an itch to spread his campaign across my vast territories.
I WILL FIGHT.
I WILL WIN.
that is some insane photoshopping skills right thurr.
sorry about your new gift….*crosses fingers for the return of the state of your vagina parts to a more hospitable business environment*
Oh my god!
I will NEVER think of Chachi in the same way again!
Good-bye innocence!
P.S. Hope you recover from your crotch rot soon. This was the funniest thing I read all morning. Aren’t you glad that you’re suffering can provide me with amusement? :)
LMAO - Thank you for the laughs (love the photo editing). I so needed that. You know it will be an interesting day when one of the first things you read and laugh about is someone else’s va-jay-jay! Here’s to lots of yeastie beast free days ahead :)
straddling a fan! ha! ha ha ha! hahaha!!!
My daughter gets yeast rash on her diaper area all of the time- we buy the giant tubes of Walmart (I know, but it’s cheap!) brand Lotrimin AF to keep on hand at all times.
Give it two days and it should be doing better. :)
I’ve had a yeast infection right in the panty line. Go to a derm, get it diagnosed as yeast for sure. They gave me a small round of antibiotics (to be safe), an iodine cream (stains undies and clothes), and another clear gel that helped kill that mess.
Word of warning though, that skin will be different for several months. Heat and humidity will make the spot act up again.
OH MY GOSH! I love how you write these things! I love the label on the first one. It cracked me up.
Let us know if this works! My grandma currently has the same problem on her SIDE!
Amazing photo editing, but if you’re just walking around in a short shirt, I guess you’ve got time for it since you’re not going anywhere!
Hope the battle turns in your favor soon.
Crotch rot? A product is sold that actually says it relieves crotch rot? That’s hilarious.
Do they make “get well soon” cards for this kind of ailment? If not, someone should.
Yeccchh. That sounds incredibly UN-fun. I hope the jock-itch stuff works!
I’ve never had one of those, KNOCK ON WOOD.
I can’t (and don’t want to) even imagine.
Here’s to cool fresh Summer’s Eve breezes.
Your blog title says it all, girl!
OH. MY. STINKIN’. HECK!
Love the Photshopping.
If all else fails, Boudreaux’s Butt Paste cleared up a horrible yeast infection under the totem-scrotum of my not-so-wee-bairno. NOTE: it will stain fabric. Nothing else worked (even the jockitch, yeast infection isle) and it did the trick. Overnight he was better, almost as good as noon.
I have one word for you - OXISTAT.
http://www.walgreens.com/library/finddrug/druginfo1.jsp?particularDrug=Oxistat&id=11160
You’ll need a prescription of it, but seriously - you will be cured quickly. That stuff works. Believe me. I know. Just believe me….. I’m telling you. ;)
Wonderful descriptions. Until I read your post, my favorite description was the following: I asked a friend in college once, what it felt like to have a yeast infection (unsure if I had one) and she said “Do you want to slide down the bannister naked? If so, infection.”
I SOOOO do not envy you right now!
Exactly what went on at Blogher that caused you to come home with a yeast infection? ;)
Poor you! When my little girl has a yeast infection nothing buy Nystatin will work. (and within 24 hours) Visit the doctor and get a presciption. Super good luck.
Oh for the love of all things Pete! That sounds beyond nasty. I hope you find some relief and fast.
Labia liabilities. Crotch rot. Hilarious. For those of us just reading, of course. Not for you.
I’m told that cider vinegar squirted up your yin-yang brings immediate relief. By “I’m told,” I mean, “I’ve tried it. It does.”
(and what I forgot to say is that if it works on your yin-yang, why wouldn’t it work on your thighs?)
OMG! That was a riot. I am so sorry. There is nothing worse than a yeast infection. I feel for you…I really do!
I HATE yeast infections!!!!!!
Feel better soon. I so feel your pain.
Laura/PinkFontGirl - Mr. OMSH couldn’t agree with this any more: “a more hospitable business environment”
Aileen and Amy - Yes, if misery can’t get company, he/she at least wants a good laugh.
TheAngelForever - And you’ve provided some amusement for me as well. I have never heard the term “va-jay-jay”. Making mental note as I like that much better than “Lucy”.
jen - Don’t laugh until you’ve tried it - seriously good stuff.
Chris - Bless you for giving me hope.
MMM - Of course I’ll give an update - this is so stinkin’ newsworthy and all.
Christina - Do you mean I shouldn’t have gone out to get the mail. I was wondering ….
Jill - GlossyVeneer - that would be PhotoShop and my “great mind”. BUT … yes, I imagine the market is dying for someone JUST LIKE ME to make cards for this. Hmmmm….
SmocknMama and jamie - filing away both of the suggestions, thankyouverymuch, I’m feeling the love!
dani - my answer to that question is YES, YES I DO … three or four times.
Friglet - um … probably … um … well … um …
Kami - I’m leaving Pete out of it.
Ali B. - I’m thinkin’ unless I sit in a bath of cider vinegar, it’ll do no good. :(
SparklieSunShine - Thank you and AMEN!
I totally skipped reading this entry. My stomach just couldn’t take it. Any small detail will make me hurl. Sorry. Hope you’re feeling better soon and writing about non-bodily functions again soon! ;)
OMSH -
You’ve never heard the term va-jay-jay before? I guess that means you have never watched Grey’s Anatomy.
The term was used by a character named
Dr. Bailey who was in labor. During this time one of her male medical students was in the room and she said the following line which made the term used all over: “O’Malley, stop looking at my vajayjay!”
This past year I had to teach Sex Education to 8th graders during health class (while VERY pregnant mind you) and the girls preferred this term. Hey whatever gets them past it and helps them to talk.
Ah, the memories!
I’m 38 years young and remember the term vajayjay from jr. high school. Wow! I can’t believe you never heard it before.
Man, I have to say that it sounds miserable. I had surgery a month ago and since then have been on so many meds I lost count. Antibiotics type meds….leads to one thing….I just use the regular over the counter stuff. I wish I could be more helpful, but please know that I so feel your pain. SO, so, so…..
Will Diflucan work on outside yeast? It’s the only thing I bother with for inside yeast. Seriously good stuff.
I just went through a round of ITCH AND BURN! Yuck. And I didn’t think this misery could be communicated so well as you have done for us.
I tried the Monistat one-day, but it was more external. I used the little extra tube of whatever Monistate gives you to stop the external itch.
I think you have a mutant strain of something. I bet Lotrimin will help.
God bless you big time.
Gee, and I thought I was lucky when, after being around 800 women for a few days at BlogHer, I had back-to-back periods.
You win. :-)
The Lotrimin should clear it up. I have had to use it on stubborn diaper yeast rashes.
Oh good gravy.
I never thought I’d say this, but I’m glad all of my YI’s have been of the internal variety. Because I don’t even want to imagine a case of the creeping crud. You have my greatest sympathies.
Any better yet? Keep airing it all out (good Lord, I can’t believe I’m writing this on the internets!)
De-pansting my daughter and letting her run free was just as key as the lotrimin. That just hit me on the way home from work.
So yeah. Apparently I was thinking about your va-jay-jay on my drive home from work. Yikes. I’ll shut up now before you block me forever.
Awww…I’m sorry to hear that you are dealing with this and hope it clears up soon. if you’re looking for another possible remedy you could try Gentian Violet. Now your legs and uh..hmm..area will be dyed purple for a few days but we found it worked during an impossible bout of thrush. Yes. I had purple boobies for more days than I care to have had.
This is what I love about you: I just NEVER EVER know what Im getting when i get here! One day its beautiful children the next its raging firecrotch.
May your nether regions find peace.
xo
Oh my goodness - we’ll all probably be punished severely one day for rolling on the floor laughing at your huge misfortune! How you can find the humor in such pain and misery is remarkable!
On a serious note - try Yeast Fighter tablets by TwinLab. Great for keeping yeast at bay - be sure to limit your sugar intake and increase your water uptake! Those yeastie beasties love sugar!
If you give the Gentian violet a try …
I can’t finish that thought. There are too many jokes. Just, seriously. Bwahahaha!
:O Sadly, yeast, both internally and externally, is something I’m too acquainted with. And what with me nursing a baby, we keep swapping it and it’s been a round and round cycle. Anyway. . . tea tree oil is amazing stuff and you can put it right on yeast, both on your leg(s) and interally. I’d put on a glove first, mostly so your skin doesn’t smell like tea tree oil all day. I put this on the baby’s skin w/a cotton ball, too, wherever he has yeast rash and I put it on the bottoms of his feet to help it absorb into his blood stream and get rid of it internally.
The apple cider vinegar thing is also a good, effective (and natural) way to try.
Really, besides treating this externally, I’d start taking some heavy duty probiotics so you don’t just get a yeast rash somewhere else in a month or whatever. I had to stop wearing my wedding ring while I was pregnant this last time, not because it was overly tight or because I suddenly became allergic to gold, but because it was not *loose* anymore and I’d get a yeast rash under my ring, guaranteed, every time I put it back on. Warm, damp, not much light - perfect conditions in the summer on the inner legs (:P I say this knowing how true it is, since we’re currently melting under heat advisories - we live in the SE).
I will stop, since I’m only a relatively new reader who is only commenting for the 2nd time :o. I will say, though, that yeast treatments and herbal/natural treatments for anything are a subject I can go on and on and on and on about :D. It’s a bit of a passion, among other things.
OK, so I accidentally lied. This is not my 2nd time commenting. I remembered at least one other time, but I don’t want to be on record as a liar :O lol.
Guess what I got the Monday after returning home from BlogHer? An internal yeast infection that worked its way external! What the heck was in that Chicago water??? (Did you stay at the W?) Oh, and kudos to you for blogging all about it – hilariously! I wasn’t so brave. But now I’ve announced it to the world. Oh well…
Ah yes, the yeastie beastie. Something that all of us *lucky* women are intimately acquainted with.
I too have forced the darling husband to look at the weeping raw rashiness of my nether regions… I tell ya, not much ruins the mood more than that one!
Sorry your nether regions are at war right now, but thanks for the Thursday morning giggle!
I agree with the Lotrimin AF… works like a charm! But it’s expensive as all get out, especially when we’re talking about lathering it on more than just the hoo-ha.
Go with the Boudreaux’s. Oh and cornstarch will help keep the area cool and dry.
Oh, and at your earliest convenience, do yourself a favor, have everything but your ovaries removed. Haven’t had one since. Where’s some wood!!! Gotta find some wood to knock on.!!!
I have no words. I’m laughing too hard.
I wish I had advice, but I’ve yet to suffer from what you are suffering. Sending a big hug to you xoxoxo
Kristin - I promise - I won’t write two times in a row about such nasties. :)
TheAngelForever - Ah, well … it has been 3 1/2 years since we had cable and I’ve just now realized I can purchase some of the sitcoms all y’all rave about via iTunes, so… I’ll catch up with the common day vernacular soon enough. :)
However, 8th grade SEX EDUCATION? That makes me cringe. My first S.E. class was 10th grade Health.
SmocknMama - I’m sure there are many more like it that I’ve not heard.
frugalmom - THAT is why I don’t want to go to the doctor. They always give antibiotics and that will only give me an INTERNAL yeast infection.
coolbeans - That is what Jessica suggested. I’ll try it next!
Geri - Mutant strain indeed!
Amber - Really? That is hysterical! You got on everyone else’s monthly cycle! hahaha. Wait. I don’t mean to laugh. eeps!
chris - It seems to be doing better as far as feeling like I’ve rubbed jalapenos on my girlie bits.
mothergoosemouse - Well, take care, b/c pregnancy is the worst time for me to avoid YIs!
Chris - A bit better actually. I’m glad that you have me in your thoughts on your way home! HA! I will NOT block anyone who is concerned about my va-jay-jay! HAHAHA
If I could run around bottomless, I would - I swear.
PlusToo - the question is - where they grape flavored? heh heh perfect for those breastfeeding years. *wink*
jen - I’d hate to let you down with my randomness. :)
EPM - Mr. OMSH has already hounded me about limiting my sugar and increasing my water. GAH! Do you REALIZE how much sugar is in a margarita? HOW CAN I LIMIT? WHY AM I YELLING?
coolbeans - I know, you want pictures, right? hahahahahaha Now I’m laughing.
lynsgirl - Hey, don’t think I’m not writing down all these suggestions! And whether or not you are a first time commentor or a commentor from way back, I’ll take it all. :)
Glad to have ya!
Jennifer/The Word Cellar - YES! I stayed at The W. too! Hmmm…. did you have that great Turkey Sandwich? I JUST KNEW it was the Turkey!
Or maybe it was from holding in my potty due to the shutters in the bathroom. Bwahahaha
jamie - Girl, you come up with some of the greatest one liners … “weeping raw rashiness of my nether regions” indeed!
BC - You too! “hoo-ha”? Why do I hear Al Pacino from “Scent of a Woman” when you say that?
Holley - I’m done having babies, so if I could have everything removed, believe me, I would. Or is it wood? KNOCK ON WOOD!
Angella - I know you are laughing with me. I know you are laughing with me. I KNOW you are laughing with me.
I don’t feel in the least bit insecure. :)
bwahahaha
If I wasn’t me I’d be laughing too.
I was also thinking of making some crack about catching Mr. OMSH “purple-handed”.
or otherwise.
totally in appropriate!
Holy crap. You poor dear.
I’m rooting for you!
V I C T O R Y
Oh my word - STRADDLING A FAN.
I know way more about you now than I ever expected to.
Okay, my stomach hurts from the laughter. And this is one of the reasons I adored meeting you at BlogHer. The humor. Not the personal issues. ;-)
YOU WILL WIN! GO! FIGHT! WIN!
And, yes, I am laughing with you. (And a tiny bit laughing at you. But more WITH you. I promise!)
ROTFLMBO - I just read your “habernero peppers” link. I didn’t do *that*, but I did put that exact same peppermint oil in the tub instead of tea tree oil one evening and um, in case you’d wondered, that sensation can capture your entire freakin’ body. Not something I’ll ever, EVER be repeating. Ok, off to bed for me, after almost falling off my chair laughing about your frostbitten nether regions :D :D
Hope the yeasties are dying the violent death they so deserve lol.
coolbeans - Um … well, he isn’t too interested in “me” right now. If it wasn’t so painful (although less so than yesterday),I could use this a a form of “headache” … bwahaha
Atomic Bombshell - Thank you - I need all the V I C T O R Y cries I can get!
chirky - Hey, at least I don’t put rattlers in my mouth, right? I mean, I may be Texan, but straddling a fan is much, much more interesting than playing with poison.
Jenn - as long as you laugh WITH me while you’re laughing AT me, it’s all good.
And? It was nice to meet you too. :)
lynsgirl You say “habernero” ~ I say “jabenero” … you say potatoe, I say potato …
Come to think of it - if I want to nip this in the bud, so to speak, I could torture myself with peppermint oil again.
IT DID cause me to PEEL - and I’m thinking I need a good skin peel right now.
Okay, no never mind - that previous incident hurt tooooooooo much.
Never mind me - it was after 1 am - I really can spell! Bleh. I really meant to do that with a “j.” :P
[...] toilet. All of these things are making me a very, very cranky mommy. And I already have plenty of reasons to have my crankpot [...]
Haley - I missed your comments in my moderation box, sorry ’bout that. And now, I’m fretting that in this hot Texas heat I could flare up again.
So … er .. what will the skin look like? B/c it seems to be better … slowly.
Heather - see, I missed you too. OBVIOUSLY I need to check moderation and not just count on my emails to alert me to new comments.
Thank you all for commiserating with me.
Baby boys can have similar problems, too. Nystatin–an antibiotic cream–prescription only–works.
I hope you are feeling better soon!
Ooohhhh…ow. I think I prefer my broken leg to your particular affliction! I hope things are cooling off for you by now?
Mom2Six - I am feeling better - it is working. Although - SLOWLY!
karen - cooling off bit by girlie bit. *snort*
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