Ohmystinkinheck

You wake up and realize that you’re not getting any younger, which means one day you’ll either drink alone (coffee, that is), or you’ll need to groom your own addicts to drink with you.

What do you do?

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Please don’t fret - I’m here to show you just how to groom your own coffee/caffeine addicts. Then, when your teeth turn brittle and yellow, theirs will match. It is all about sharing the love.

And? When you can’t sleep at night from your caffeine high - you’ll have them right there by your side.

And finally? When you catch that speeding ticket after your double espresso shot, they’ll join you in defensive driving.

You know, the stuff that binds families together.

Step. 1 Make them think it is THEIR idea. See, children have this truly annoying thing…it is called a mind of their own. They use it at the most inopportune times. I’ve recently discovered this sense of independence can be manipulated in YOUR FAVOR; subtle redirection is key.

Here’s an example directly from OMSHville:

Setting the Scene: Emelie is already in the Suburban, having been picked up from the Intermediate school. Meredith and Kenny are crawling in after I’ve sat for half an hour in the Elementary pick-up line waiting…

***********************

Meredith: “Mom, can we go to Sonic? We didn’t go on Thursday like we always do. Can we go today? Can we? CAN WE? MOM! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?”

Me: “Huh? Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m just so tired. Tell ya what…we’ll swing by Starbucks to get me a little something and then we’ll go to Sonic for you guys.”

All Kids in Unison: “OKAY!”

Emelie: “Um…Momma, do you really like Starbucks coffee more than Sonic?”

Me: (acting contemplative) “Yes, well sometimes. I also love all their treats in there. You know, just the other day I saw some kids in there getting coffee WITH their parents, can you imagine?”

Kenny: “Eeeeeww…kids don’t drink COFFEE!”

Me: “Well, not exactly, but some of their drinks taste just like coffee ice cream.”

Meredith: “I like coffee ice cream.”

Me: “Oh, that’s right, I forgot. Well, yea…kinda tastes like that.

Emelie: “Momma, are you going to go through the drive thru or are we going to go inside? We’ve never been inside.

Meredith: “Yea, we’ve never been inside before!”

Kenny: “I’ve been inside.”

Me: “You know, now that I think about it, I need to get some DECAF for Izzy, let’s go inside.”

I hear whispers in the backseat and know that I’ve planted a wee little seed in their fertile heads.

We get there and as I’m getting my coffee, I show them some of the cold coffees in the cooler up front.

Me: “These taste a lot like coffee ice cream - they call them frappuccinos.”

They’re looking at each other - picking up the bottles and examining them.

Emelie: “Um, can I…do you think you’d let me…I mean, um…can I have this instead of Sonic?”

Me: “Sure! What a GREAT IDEA. Grab a snack too - want a brownie or a cookie to go with your coffee?”

ALL 3 of them begin bouncing about, choosing their drinks and treats.

HOOK.LINE.SINKER.

***********************

Are they drinking coffee?
Not exactly.
Will they one day.
You bet your beans they will.

Step 2. As mentioned above, offer a special treat. Brownies and cookies almost always do the trick. Sure it’ll cost you a week’s savings when at Starbucks, but it is so WORTH IT. Later on, once you’ve hooked them, they can use their allowance to pay for treats. Think DRUG LORD.

The best part is NOW when you’re 80 they’ll be pouring you coffee!

Besides, what kid doesn’t like chocolate? Yours? Oh…um, I’m so sorry. Okay, well there are a few non-chocolate choices.

But first? WHO DOESN’T LIKE CHOCOLATE? Oh my goodness, we are seriously in love with chocolate over here.

See this look? This is the look of pure chocolate!

You didn’t know that chocolate has a look? Oh yes, it is one of unadulterated satisfaction coupled with relief, and a smidgeon of unconditional love; a little dab’ll do ya.

Toss in some mint with it and your children will have the added benefit of feeling like they’re being rebellious too.

A little chocolate mint rebellion NEVER HURT ANYONE.

Shocking, isn’t it?

Step 3. Have a good time while you’re sitting there drinking in the drink of early birds and night owls. Fun in a coffee shop, you say? Oh yes, I know it’s hard to have a good time at Starbucks, but if you try extra hard, it could happen.

Right Kenny?

She’s too busy to talk.

“Yoohoo, Meredith…I’m talking to you!”

Didn’t you know plastic turquoise beads blend well with feathery slap cuffs? No? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

Step 4. Finish it all off with a round of kisses.

They act like its pure torture, but oh how it warms their caffeinated hearts.

23 Responses to “How to Groom a Coffee Addict 101”

1. Annika

   My son is almost two — is it too soon to start?

2. kirida

   Oh how I love to suckle from the sweet Starbuckian teat.

3. Mrs. Wilson

   Ooohh, it makes me long to have a REAL Starbucks in town! (A Starbucks in Safeway is better than no Starbucks, but it does not have a drive thru!)

4. Saturday Slurping..I Mean, Surfing

   [...] cracked up when I got to Oh My Stinkin Heck written by Heather.  Awesome post on how to groom a coffee addict..the only issue I have with it is [...]

5. Jill - GlossyVeneer

   Yesterday while out, the drive-thru at Starbucks magically sucked me in. I don’t know how it happened, I wasn’t planning on going there… yet there was some kind of magnetic pull and my car couldn’t muster enough strength to pull away. It was truly awful. ;-)

6. Karen Sugarpants

   Now I want Starbucks and I’m snowed in. Sigh. Email me some?

   My kids LOVE it too - esp the little one. And before anyone jumps you or me on this - it’s not everyday they get this sort of thing. I see it as us Mama’s being brave! Gluttons for punishments!

7. Liz C.

   Bwa-hahahaha!

   If you buy the flavored creamers, you can also get them addicted from the comforts of home… my husband doesn’t actually drink coffee. We joke that he likes a nice cuppa Jo… sephine.

   And when it cools off a bit, and he turns his back? That’s when the 3yo swoops in, and sucks it down as fast as she can swallow.

   She’s probably going to have osteoporosis at six.

8. SparklieSunShine

   I wish I had a picture like that last one of me and my mom. So sweet. Glad to see you are spreading the coffee love.

9. Betsy

   Ha!

   My kids are already coffee freaks, I just don’t let them have their heart’s desire yet because I am too stingy (and poor!) I see them sneaking sips of coffee from me when they think I am unaware. Brings back memories!

10. Pam

    My son has been drinking coffee since age one. My mom, a registered nurse, gave him a sip and he was hooked. We fight over Starbucks now. I enjoy our joint love of java. It’s a bonding thing.

11. erin

    new here, linked from pw, love this post so stinkin cute. you are a fun mom. i hope my babe and i have this much fun when she is older :)

12. Kristin

    oh, they’re hooked now! You better put ads back on your blog to earn Starbucks money for all FIVE of you!!! YIKES! :)

13. MammaLoves

    I’m almost afraid to share this…but I don’t drink coffee. I wish I did. I wish I could acquire the taste, but I can’t. I love the smell. I love Starbucks. *sigh* But…I am raising coffee drinkers. When grandma is here she mixes a few tablespoons with milk in a mug and tons of sugar. Since she didn’ have me I guess she decided to hook the next generation.

14. bethany actually

    I will admit I cackled and giggled the whole time I was reading this. I bow at your devious feet, OMSH.

15. Busymomma66

    you are e-v-i-l. this was so funny, and I don’t even like coffee!!

16. Mr. OMSH

    Parenting = MANIPULATION

    It’s the OMSHville way!

17. Robin~

    omgosh, your hair looks so cute in that last pic! You must update your hair growth saga =D

18. Linda

    I’m curious Mrs. OMSH … what IS your favorite drink at Starbucks?? Inquiring minds want to know ;)

19. Mandy

    So cute. Starbucks is my mom’s “thing” with the girls. They so think they are getting away with something sneaky because I know way too well to give a 5 YO with ADHD coffee. (They don’t know that what my mom buys them is actually hot cocoa with whipped cream.) They rub it in my face as soon as they get home. “Nana let us get cooooffffeeeeee today.” Love the idea of making it seem like their idea. So true and so funny!

20. jevvv

    the night before DS turned 14 he was planning his morning coffee for Birthday Breakfast (14 is our start age ;-)

21. OMSH

    Linda - I drink whatever bold is bubblin’ with hazelnut or if I’m in the mood for a fancy drink I choose from Cafe Mocha or if it is hot, a Java Chip Frap w/out whipped cream.

22. OMSH

    Annika - NEVAH!

    kirida - I cannot tell you how hard that made me laugh; priceless line there.

    Karen Sugarpants - If I could, I would sister!

    Robin~ - You know, you’re right…I haven’t updated the hair growth saga in quite some time.

    Kristin - Don’t I know it!

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