Ohmystinkinheck

Apparently there are five a lot of mommas (and surprisingly, a couple of dads) who read this blog … WHOOHOOOO!… and are interested in finding ways to force encourage their little ones to contribute to household tasks. I hope it is understood that when I post there may be a smidgeon of facetiousness - okay, not always; normally I would leave you to figure it out for yourself, but not today.

When I purported I had proof that even princesses do dishes there was only slight hyperbole. For instance, I wrote, “If you can crumple paper, you can fold a washcloth, hand towel, or cloth napkin.” Obviously there are some wee ones that can both crumble AND EAT paper but are not yet of “folding a washcloth” age; I get that. However, we recently had a conversation in THIS house where I stated, “If you can crumble that paper, you can fold a towel.” And well, that “guideline” was added. My youngest is 4. He can fold a cloth napkin and put it away. I don’t have babies anymore. If I did, I would say, “If you are at least 4 and you can crumble…” (see?).

This is where I speak as a parent to parents (and perhaps where you tune out - or in). It is my belief THAT if I do not ingrain in my children NOW that our family NEEDS them, when they are 14 it WILL be my fault when (not “if”) they don’t have a heart for service to us and others. Houses don’t run themselves; usually the adults are ragged-out trying to get it all done. Why is that? Kids have arms, legs, and surprisingly, a big ol’ “want-to-heart” to help. FREE CHILD LABOR.

And what do we do with that opportunity?

Let me see if I can dig up a few of my priceless words.

“No, that’s okay - go outside/play with your sister/watch your video…”
“I’ll call you when - dinner is ready/your clothes are clean/the dishwasher is unloaded/the floor is mopped.”

And why do I/we do this? BECAUSE IT IS EASIER. Yes, in the short-term it is much easier to just stir that Hamburger Helper all by our lonesome.

I know, I can hear you. I’ve said it too:

• “Do you realize how long it takes my child to peel a single orange to make a fruit salad?”
• “Have you seen the mess made when they help me make pancakes?”
• “I worry they’ll chop their finger with the knife!”
• “What if they drop the bowl?”
• “Our kitchen is so small, we’ll be walking all over each other.”
• “They can’t even reach!”

And the list of excuses goes on and on and on (I know, I’m stepping on toes - but these are my toes too … so put on some steel toed boots and stick around a while.).

If our kids turn into slug-bug couch potatoes because we do not HONOR THEM with the responsibility of being a helpful member of the family, then we shoot ourselves and future generations in the foot.

Stop. Listen. Teach.

At age 4 my son WANTS to help. At 14 he’ll roll his eyes and want to lock himself in his room if I don’t respect him NOW and teach him. If I don’t make him feel needed at 4, he’ll not have the desire to take care of his momma, daddy and sisters at 14, 21, 40. If I don’t let him know he’s a vital part of our routine NOW, he’ll feel useless and insignificant to the family later. I believe that - no hyperbole.

He needs me to need him - as do my girls; the same thing applies to all my children.

And so, a few months ago I turned my kitchen into a child-friendly zone. Everyday dishes moved from top cupboards to bottom cupboards. Their dishes moved to reachable drawers.

Their foodstuffs came down a shelf or two in the pantry. Stools are handy and they learned to work together to unload the dishwasher, put up the dishes, and bring in the groceries from the burb.

And? They aren’t always happy to do it, but when I jump in and do it with them, everything changes. We have smiles. We have conversation. We have lingering, and in the lingering - we have relationship, love, security, and the family all of us want.

If you have done something similar … tell me about it in the comments. I’d love to hear.

51 Responses to “Honor your children and teach them to work.”

1. Angela

   I have to tell you I LOVE this. In my family we didn’t really have chores growing up and truth be told my parents didn’t really do it either. Of course, on the rare occasions we actually ate at home someone would be told to do the dishes. One of my brothers usually had to do the dishes and about once a month my dad yelled at us all to take a day and clean the house.

   It never seemed to work out. The house was always messy and no one ever wanted to help out. If we were cleaning it meant we were in trouble.

   Once I got out on my own I realised how much I love having a clean home and it is so worth the effort to keep it clean.

   My favorite thing about reading other peoples blogs is how much I can learn from the experiences of others. I have so much bookmarked from Kerflop (more so when she was Very Mom) and this is right up there.

   I really hope to be able to use this one day with my own children. I don’t want them to look at helping out around the house and cleaning up after themselves as being horrible. Cleaning up and helping out is a part of life. It helps family life flow. I also love that you make it fun. You are an awesome mom. I admire you.

2. Jill - GlossyVeneer

   The thing that jumped out at me was the line about a parent’s fear their child will hurt themselves. I can understand that parents don’t want their kids to get hurt, but everybody is bound to get hurt in some way at some point in life.

   My husband grew up in a household where his parents each had their jobs and they didn’t have the kids contribute, out of fear they’d get hurt of they’d do it wrong. As an adult, my husband didn’t know how to do any of the handyman-type things his dad is so proficient in and didn’t know how to do any homekeeping tasks his mother performed. Contrast with my brother; he can install a toilet and whip up some delicious crepes. (Not at the same time, that would be gross) He’s so multi-faceted.

   I feel very strongly that parents need to teach their children to contribute, not only to make home life more harmonious, but to help them become better adults. This belief has become even stronger after years with my spouse and seeing how much his parents forgot to teach.

3. Jill

   I second every thing that Angela said. I absolutely love this post.It all seems so simple , but I never even considered making my kitchen more kid friendly. I am going to do it, though. My kids have their jobs, because I grew up just like Angela, if you were cleaning, you were in trouble.

   I don’t want my kids to grow up like that, because you end up hating doing the one of the things you will have to do the rest of your life-cleaning.

   I love that you say you are respecting them. I never even looked at it like that, but it is so true.

4. chirky

   Um, I am not a parent and have nothing to contribute other than:

   (a) I hope I’m like you when I have children (remind me!) (if you’re still around!) (and if I am!)

   and

   (b) I really like that shade of green on your kitchen armoire-cabinet-thingy.

5. Amanda

   I really worry that my own disdain for housework is going to transfer right to my kids. This was a GREAT post. Soon my son will be old enough to pitch and I need to encourage it, rather than dread it.

6. frugalmom

   Amen to all that! I run the same kinda ship as you. My kids have their age appropriate tasks and they get changed up every so often to help with burn out. I run a kid friendly kitchen as well. The kids pretty much have access to everything and if they dont, well they know where the stool is. It is a little harder now that I have an 11 mo old who also wants to help in the kitchen!

   I really feel that a family takes everyone getting involved to run its best. I think when the kids learn at a younger age to do these things it also helps them when they are out on their own. And in a certain sense gives them a greater appreciation for the family that they have.

7. Laura/PinkFontGirl

   gosh. can i get you over here for a cleaning lesson? because, OMSH, you’re GOOD!! :)

   *bookmarks this for 10 years from now when she has kids*

   heh.

   that’s SO very awesome. yay kids, and yay you!! :D

8. OMSH

   First, thank you all for your kind encouragement. I don’t think I’m to be respected necessarily - I make mistakes every single day that I’m ashamed of. I’m not always fun. I yell when I shouldn’t. I’m quick tempered when I’ve not rested enough. I try to apologize and ask forgiveness as an example, but sometimes I’m even too stubborn to do that. I realize I’m still raising myself - as well as these 3 kids I’ve been entrusted with.

   Angela - This struck me in your response: “If we were cleaning it meant we were in trouble.” I think that discipline is not just punishment. I think discipline is what I do in every moment of the day with my children. When I wake them in the morning and remind them to get in the shower or to get breakfast, that is as much a method of discipline (it is direction) as when I have to dole out consequences for disobedience. You also said, “It helps family life flow.” - that is so true … so very true.

   Jill - GlossyVeneer - Parents live in fear. It is a sad truth. It is so hard to let go. For instance, the trampoline. We have one, but when I watch my daughters double bouncing their 4 year old brother my heart nearly explodes about 10x a minute. I just know we’ll head for the ER one of these days.

   That said - YOU ARE SO RIGHT.

   Jill - It was the best thing we ever did - making the house kid friendly. On Saturday mornings it is NOT UNUSUAL for Jeff and I to wake up to a table fully set JUST FOR US (as a surprise). And why? Because they can REACH the dishes and they KNOW HOW to set a table and prepare a breakfast (cereal and toast or instant oatmeal … but BREAKFAST all the same).

   chirky - thank you - and it is a Dry Goods Pantry. I bought it originally for my 2nd daughter’s nursery, but it was made for the kitchen. We store cloth napkins, paper, phone books and our table reading magazines (for the kids and us) in the bottom pull out baskets. I LOVE IT.

   frugalmom - some of my greatest memories are being in the kitchen at my grandmother’s home. All of my mom’s sisters gathered there and I loved listening to them talk and joke and work together. I was an only child and didn’t spend much time in the kitchen, but I do remember drying dishes with my dad when my mom was gone for the evening. We’d sing together. That has stuck in my head.

   Laura/PinkFontGirl - now I didn’t say it was clean over here - just that we are working together. Bwahahahahaha!

9. Ali

   OMSH, this post made me want to stand up on a chair and shout “hear, hear!” Because everything does take longer with kids, and it never turns out like it would with an adult, and yet how can we not respectfully give them their due place as a functioning member of the household? Yes, you’re so right. I’ve had a hunch for a while that one of the reason that kids today seem so…I don’t know…adrift, I guess, is that they don’t have a clear sense of themselves as a part of a community. I’ve got lots of thoughts about that, but this post made me realize just how much that home stuff matters. Oh, good for you. Sorry I’m late to the commenting party (it’s that dial-up thing, you know).

10. OMSH

    Ali - you aren’t late. I post daily at random times. And you are so right … when Em cracks the eggs we always get a few shell pieces. But how will she know how to crack’em without dropping pieces if she doesn’t get practice?

    Okay, off to train a dog not to eat chickens.

    No, really.

11. karen

    To train a dog not to eat the chickens, get a rooster. The german shepherds we had on the farm would bite the leg off a stranger but wouldn’t get near the rooster after that first time…

    As for chores, I’m with you! They’ll never learn if they’re not allowed to try. And that fear that they might get hurt? Never goes away. The last person we had to take for cooking-knife-related stitches was my husband.

12. OMSH

    It isn’t our dog - we are keeping a friend’s dog for a few days. Our dogs have been trained to stay away from the chickens. I do NOT want a rooster yet - remember this is a *pssss*secret*pssss* chicken farming experiment in suburbia. My neighbor is about to come unglued as it is. She is mean with a capital “M”.

13. MR. OMSH

    Truth be known…our neighbor is a %$@!&*$%, with a capital %. Heather is a fantastic mother, and a better wife! And the green thingy is a children’s ward-robe, if I am not mistaken.

14. OMSH

    I love me some MR.OMSH, but baby, you’re off a bit about the “green thingy”. We used the dry goods pantry as a wardrobe (as in, YOU outfitted it with a hanging bar in one side of it), but it was meant for the kitchen.

15. Nancy

    You are my hero!!! After I finish reading your wonderful blog I’m going to type up a chore chart for the girls. Not sure if just typing the chart up will do any good or not, but we’ll see.

16. Nancy

    First time commenter.
    What a great post! I agree with everything you’ve said here. It’s so important to get your kids involved in household responsibilities early. It teaches them so much more than just how to do a specific chore. It teaches them values that have an effect on every aspect of their lives and helps them grow into responsible adults. How you could not want that for your child, just because it’s easier to do it yourself now, I don’t understand.

17. Mom2Six

    My oldest daughter and I did chores side by side for a long time–I have pictures of her at 18 months washing dishes by hand (fishing dishes out of the rinse water). We had no TV amd no machine to wash dishes at the time, and as it was just she and I home all day until Daddy came home, she was my little companion and just learned to do all the chores with me as I did them. I wish I had been better about continuing that trend as the others came along. She is now a great helper.

    Yes, little ones love to work and help, and if you let them, they don’t learn to hate chores so much.

    I wish I knew of a better chore chart/method to encourage my children to work better besides following them around as they work. It’s hard to follow six at once sometimes! Any suggestions?

18. Cathy

    I wish I had a camera to show you what I did in my kitchen. Everything is within reach for my little ones. My biggest thing is to say Please and Thank You for everything they do. Whether it be as simple as putting a toy away to making their bed. With my 4 yr old, I make a big “hoopla” every time she does something on her own.

    I know the mistakes I’ve made, I can see them, where I’ve gone awry with my 10 yr old and my 9 yr old. So we do everything together and I always say Please and Thank You and offer a big hug to them.

    Taking the time and being patient is what works in our home. I’ve lost a lot of friends over this theory, but you know what, it’s the kids who need my time more than my friends. Thank YOu for posting this, because a lot of people really don’t understand that “Time” thing.

19. OMSH

    Nancy - Nope, not a hero. Egads … I’m sooooo not a hero. Heroine maybe … nah, just joking.

    Mom2Six - “I wish I knew of a better chore chart/method to encourage my children to work better besides following them around as they work. It’s hard to follow six at once sometimes! Any suggestions?” Hmmm … I may have to do an internet search b/c I’ve been looking for ways to offer reminders sans all the nagging.

    Cathy - You wrote “I’ve lost a lot of friends over this theory…” Are you saying that your friends have a problem with time you spend with your kids? Eeek!

20. MMM

    Woo, lots of comments. I agree with your post. It works for y’all, and I think it’s awesome.

21. the SmockLady

    Well, this is my favirite quote:

    …but when I jump in and do it with them, everything changes.

    This, in our family, is themost important at times. Children, at varying ages, live in their own world. My children know I wash dishes, mop the floor, wash the clothes, fold them, wash them, etc. But it sticks with them when they’ve been asked to help AND I do it with them. It’s the thought processes of children.

    My mother never taught me HOW to clean, just to do it. And truthfully, it does matter how to do it. If children are not provided a way to keep the things they have put away and organized they con not be expected to do it.

    As a mother of three children (and a husband) with severe ADD I am having to learn that they think differently than I do. The way they organize is different than I do, but because of the way they think so differently it is even more important to help them stay organized. We are in the process of changing some things in their rooms so that they can keep things organized. Also my daughter with Cerebral Palsy is limited in certain ways. She want desperately to be like and do things like every one else and so we are changing other things around for her as well. She needs to be able to do things to. All of this is said because I am still raising myself as well - learning more everyday that as much as I want things to be a cerain way, look a certain way, they can’t right now. MY way IS the RIGHT way (hahaha), but for now I’ll do things everyone’s way. ;)

    BTW, Mr. and Mrs. OMSH - I showed my children the pics of your girls in the kitchen. Thanks. My children think they are the only children in the world that have chores and responsibilities. I. am. such. a. terrible. mother. “None of my friends have to help around the house.” *sigh*

22. OMSH

    the Smocklady - I can imagine that it is a challenge to find ways for a child with Cerebral Palsy to “do” for herself. At the same time, what a blessing for her that you are both willing and capable.

23. Michele

    My kids used to complain endlessly that they were the only ones they know who had chores that they don’t get paid for. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “We’re a FAMILY. We don’t get paid to help FAMILY” We all live here after all. We all make messes we all have to help clean them up. What I love now that they are older (12, 14 and 15) is how they automatically ask “Can I help you with anything?” when I’m cooking or cleaning something. By gum! I think I’ve TAUGHT them something!

24. Cathy

    Yes I’ve lost a lot of friends over putting them off to spend time with my girls. I just recently lost one (and she lives next door!) because I asked her to please keep her son and dog at home so my girls can play in their own backyard without being bothered (he was over here everytime my girls went outside). In turn, we are now viewed as “ignorant” neighbors. LOL But her dog has stopped peeing all over my yard (and on our cars!) and the girls have finally built some awesome snowmen without having to “babysit” the neighbor’s little boy.

    Some people just don’t see the value in spending time with their kids. And for some reason I keep getting blind-sided when making friends. They always seem like they’re super family oriented, then as the friendship moves on, all I hear is how much they want to get away from their kids and how annoying and what brats their kids are. And it gets so time consuming and depressing,that I end up ending the friendship. Or they get mad at me because I tell them I don’t want to hear the complaining because it upsets me that they end it. Maybe I’m too up front?!?!?! LOL

25. sherry

    I have said pretty much all of those excuses. I really needed to read this today. Thanks.

26. OMSH

    Cathy - I have always found that having a single friend that “gets” me is worth having 10 that don’t.

    I DO need my time away from my kids - to refresh and to be more than “mom” - sometimes I need a night out with women I know to be “Heather”. And twice a month I get time out with my husband to be “Baby”. But for the most part it is “mom” and that’s alright with me b/c this time is so short comparatively.

27. Emily

    We’ve always tried to get Anneliese to help around the house, but until I read your post I realized I was going about it the wrong way. Yesterday (Thursday is house cleaning day here) Anneliese (who will be 4 in May) washed the dining and coffee table, washed the kitchen floor and matched the socks in the clean laundry. She was so happy to help after I talked to her about all of us having jobs that keep our house together and running smoothly. She was so proud of having helped she told the mailman when he delivered our mail and my husband as soon as he got home. Your message spoke very loudly to me. Thank you!

28. OMSH

    Emily - that is precious, thank you for sharing. I find that my kids like to tell on the good things they do too.

    I like hearing them - especially the younger ones - as they are simply speaking what is on their mind. This tells me that not only are they proud of themselves, but they are rolling it all around in their mind too.

29. Cathy

    You get twice a month with your hubby?! I’m jealous! We get one. My Mom in Law take the girls once a month overnight so we can have that “us” time. And I have the “me” time every other month or so with my closest friends. Last time we went out, was the weekend before Valentine’s Day. We spent almost 2 hours in Victoria’s Secret acting like a bunch of immature ding bats. It was so much fun!

    On the friend thing…I’ve just had some bad luck making new ones. I moved here (Maine) 10 years ago from Philadelphia, PA and it really is a different way of living here. There’s a lot of bordem and we’re in an isolated area, there isn’t much to do here. So I can understand. I just can’t take all the complaining. It wears me down and it get depressing after months of listening to the same thing over and over. But I do have some really great friends who are completely insane and share the same values about raising kids. Funny thing is, they’re all my hubby’s friends’ wives!

    I read back about chore charts. We use a dry erase board and a magnetic board that are attached to the girls’ doors. As my older girls get their chores done, they erase that chore. While they’re at school, I re-write their chores for that day. On the little ones’ board, I cut out and laminated pictures of kids doing “jobs” and glued magnets to the backs of the picutres. When they get that “job” done they put the magnet in a basket attached to the board.

30. OMSH

    Mom2Six - I’ve tried to think through this a few times myself. We use a binder system - and it works for us with 3 kiddos.

    HOWEVER …

    I have often looked at the P.E.G.S. system.

    I’ve got a hankering for it. It satisfies the “visual” part of my person.
    I may get Jeff to make me one - if I do I’ll be sure to post directions and pics!

    Cathy - We tried the small, separate dry erase boards on the fridge, but it ended up being a mess. The bedroom doors would have been better.

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32. Misti Delaney

    Oh my yes! This is wonderful!

    You are so very, very right about how important it is to honour our children by teaching them to be contributing members of the family!

    Misti
    (another cloth napkin using promoter of child labour)

33. OMSH

    Misti - Welcome! Nice to have another cloth napkin user around! *wink*

34. Lanna

    Okay, I have to know - where’d you get that green pantry thingie? I love it! Our kitchen isn’t laid out well at all. Fwiw, I have my 3.5yo help sort laundry and put away his toys and he’ll be out gardening with us this summer as well. Working on the being-gentle thing so I can start him on dishes and such… ;)

35. Misti Delaney

    My guess is that she got it at Ikea…I’ve been eying what i think is the same thing except in white. ;)

36. OMSH

    Lanna - I bought it at a Moore’s Furniture store in Kerrville, Tx in 2000. I went looking for a dresser for my 2nd child’s nursery and didn’t see anything that appealed to me. I was walking across the kitchen/dining room section and FELL OUT when I saw this. I knew instantly it was PERFECT.

37. OMSH

    Misti - I WISH I had purchased it at IKEA … then it would have cost about 1/2 as much!

    I got a sale and I still want to say I paid close to $400.00 for it.

    You can see the full piece at my flickr group, Favorite Furniture Finds

38. Lanna

    Oh man… So my chances of finding anything like it in Idaho are nil. Unless I want to cough up $1000 for someone to make it. Scampering off to your furniture finds photos… :)

39. Misti Delaney

    OK, I went and looked — nope, that’s far cooler than the Ikea one. But the Ikea price is far cooler. ;)

    m

40. jamie

    It’s interesting to me how when you’re thinking of things, that it’s all around you… My hubby and I have just been talking about this! Our 3 year old and 4 year old have just started unloading the dishwasher, making beds, and etc, AND THEY LOVE IT. I was never taught how to do household things, and it’s something I really want to instill in my kids.

    Great post!

    I tell people all the time that I’m not raising children, I’m raising adults.

41. Mom2Six

    OMSH–Who is the manufacture of the green kitchen cabinet?

    Lann–If a furniture store near you carries that maker, they may be able to special order it for you. My father is a furniture retailer, and it is very common to place special orders through companies they already deal with, even if it is not on the show floor. Just ask.

    I also love the green thing, but have no place to put one like it in my kitchen. It certainly would make it easier for kids to put dishes away, though.

42. OMSH

    jamie - that is how I am with lessons I believe the Lord is trying to teach me. It is like I can’t get away. I hear it on the radio, in a song, from the preacher, in a class, in a conversation … hysterical.

    I like that “I’m not raising children, I’m raising adults.” That is good.

    Mom2Six - I’ve looked all over this thing (drawers, behind baskets, underneat, back, top, sides, and there is no mark …I have no idea who made this thing. Now I feel obliged to search for it! HA!

43. jamie

    YES YES YES!! That’s exactly what I meant, lol! I always tell people that I need a big billboard with what the Lord wants me to do or learn about… and then something like that happens! Guess that’s my billboard, hunh?

44. OMSH

    jamie - “Guess that’s my billboard, huh?” … Yeppers, I’d say so! *nodding vigorously*

45. Ali

    I thought of this post yesterday, when carrying groceries with my 5-year old. I let her carry a bag; it was a large paper bag, and she held it from the bottom, and teetered, and swayed, and then about halfway to the car, she spilled it all over the parking lot. Broken taco shells! Boxes of cereal soaking into muddy puddles! Everything scattered? But did I get frustrated? Impatient? No. “Honor your children…” flashed through my mind. Literally, that phrase. And I put down my own bags (into the driest part of the parking lot I could find), helped her collect the things, placed the bag in her arms again, and let her teeter toward the car. So thanks again for this!

46. Ali

    And by the way, we use cloth napkins, too.

47. OMSH

    Ali - That speaks straight to my heart. STRAIGHT TO MY HEART. It isn’t just in the sharing of tasks, but how we handle the inconveniences, the frustrations, the errors in the midst of it. Perfect example of a situation that could have made her NOT want to be a part of the grocery shopping experience. It would have been so easy to be angry and grab up that bag on your own.

    This may make for an interesting future post. I’d like to discuss with other mommas how they react to encourage growth in the relationships between them and their children.

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51. mothergoosemouse

    I’ve had to learn over time that the messes and the delays are a necessary part of teaching my kids to be self-sufficient. Yesterday, I enlisted my older daughter’s help in emptying the dishwasher and stripping our bed. She may only be five, but there’s a lot that she can do - and since she’s willing, I should take advantage of that!