Ohmystinkinheck

Something happened between excitedly gathering up school supplies and the reality that is now. What is that you say? A time bomb, that’s what. It buried itself deep within the heart of my son and erupted post-first-day of school.

Last year Kenny accompanied me to the girls’ school weekly. Each day I dropped them off I heard the same song, “When do IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII get to go to schooooooooooooooooool?” And each day I reminded him, “Next year son … in just a few more months.” Then, all summer long he told everyone he was going to Pre-K. PRE-K! PRE-K with Ms. Pam! I don’t know how many times he spoke those words, but I do know I never expected Pre-K to be the emotional affair that it has become.

On the first day of school his daddy and I walked him to the gym where all the students meet to say the pledge to the U.S. and Texas flags and then, the teachers whisk the Pre-K kids off to breakfast, just to make sure that there are no hungry children in the bunch. I was a mess, but Kenny seemed confident enough.

At the end of the first day, however, he didn’t have a lot to say. And you know, that isn’t terribly odd for him. He’s a lot like Jeff. He talks when he has something to say, but doesn’t have a need to fill up all empty air time with verbiage - that would be his sisters. So, as I pulled out of the parking lot I listened to the girls yap about the day and I happened to glance back in the rearview mirror and he was crying. CRYING! I thought surely he had hurt himself or perhaps he grew weary of waiting for a turn to talk himself, so I asked what was up.

He told me he didn’t like school. More probing unturned that a boy, we’ll call him G, had hit him. HIT MY SON. Seriously, is a mother’s wrath ever tempered? I came home and immediately wrote a note to the teacher inquiring about this “hitting” going on and coached Kenny how to respond next time.

Day 2 rolled around and he was a bit weepy in the morning. I dropped him and his sisters off and came home to work. When I picked him up from school he was really clingy. He cried a lot that night. He had wet his pants at school. He wet his bed that night. I knew there was some major adjustments going on. The next day I was less than attentive as it was the day I hit the bus. But the final day of school that week, as I walked him to the gym, he was a mess of tears. Not nervous tears or fake tears, but those kind that well up deep from within the body and pour out with shaking - yes those kind of tears.

I talked with his teacher - also a friend of ours from church. She asked me to give it just a bit longer before I made a decision to bring him back home.

This is taking its toll on him. I know he’s in a safe place. I know his teacher and he knows her. I know he’s beyond familiar with that school, but this adjustment is literally rolling into every avenue of his life - beyond just school. He isn’t his normal self. His response to nearly everything is buckets upon buckets of “big boy” tears

At church on Sunday he wouldn’t stay in his Sunday School class. He couldn’t. He literally couldn’t control his tears. Jeff took him to his adult Sunday School class with him. After praise and worship time he wouldn’t let me leave him at children’s church. Again with the tears. So, I decided to skip out on the service and took him with me to clean up my 1st-3rd grade Sunday School room.

I sat him down at a table with a white sheet of paper and a cup of markers and crayons and asked him to draw what he was afraid of at church and school. He set to drawing while I cleaned up the classroom. I had my camera with me (used it in the lesson that morning) and so I took a few pictures of my boy drawing his fears. Grabbing two Tootsie Roll Pops I sat across from him and we talked.

Me: “What is that you’re drawing?”

K: “A monster with 9 eyes.”

Me: “Wow, 9 eyes.”

K: “And wings.”

Me: “Okay.”

K: “One wing is bigger than the other.”

Me: “I see that.”

*sigh*

Me: “Kenny, do you believe in monsters?”

K: He looks at the paper a bit, pondering. “No.”

Me: “Why are you afraid of monsters then?”

K: “I’m not.”

Me: “What are you afraid of at school then?”

There was this long silence and then he looked up at me. I could see so much of Jeff in his face - such silent strength.

K: “Sometimes I cry when I don’t want to - like when we play the up and down game.”

Me: “Son, it is okay to cry - even when…”

K: “Because you’re not there.”

Me: “Oh.”

K: “That’s why.”

Me: “Okay.”

We talked about how the Lord’s hand never leaves him - even when Mommy is away. He drew a picture of himself and I drew a big hand cupping the boy to give him a visual of the protection he has in the Lord. We had a really good conversation during that time.

This morning was hard though.
Very, very hard.
I give it one more week and then he’s back home with me.
Pre-K shouldn’t be this hard.

57 Responses to “Be still my breaking heart.”

1. Holley

   What a tough first week. Hang in there. It will get better. Tell Kenny to remember to have some fun at school too.

2. Chris

   Oh, Heather. My heart aches for you. We’re having some issues at daycare- he started 2.5 months ago and have developed some agressive behaviors we haven’t seen before and lately is fighting school. We’re trying to tackle it, but I’ve spent too much time crying and dealing with guilt issues (for me around working.) I feel for you so, so much.

   I hope things improve soon. I’ll be thinking of you.

3. Aileen

   I don’t blame you. If it was my kid… I probably would have yanked them out so fast their heads would spin. I know they say there is an adjustment period of 3 weeks. Those weeks, however, can feel like an eternity. I hope things turn out well for Kenny…whether it’s his school or returning home to you. There’s always next year.

4. Jenny from Chicago

   OMSH, you are such a gifted writer. A wonderful post — very poignant. It’s such a tough thing, being away from mom. I’ll say a prayer for you and your little guy.

5. erik smit

   Oh god no, it should not be like that, I feel so sorry for him. What age is he? (what age is pre-K?)

   I was brought to a playgroup in the village for one morning when I was three and never stopped crying. I didn’t have to go again. A year later at four I went to kindergarten (which was ages 4-6 at the time) and I loved it.

   I must say I started to be worried when you mentioned the pledge. Apart from the fact that I feel in a free country you can’t make kids say a pledge like that (they should learn to make their own decisions, reciting a drill about how you love your country should be left to communist dictatorships), it is also something a three or four year old simply can’t grasp.

   I hope he’ll be happy about it very quickly and I admire your decision to take him out again if he’s not.

6. Kristina

   Poor little guy :(

   I had the opposite problem, I couldn’t wait to get AWAY from my mother!

   This little problem stands to show how amazing of a mother you are to keep your children so close to you.

7. Laura

   :/

   poor Kenny.

   poor ya’ll.

   man, the strength of a mother amazes me SO much sometimes.

   (i can’t flickr at work, so i can’t see any pics, but at least i got to read your entry this morning :/)

8. bethany actually

   Poor Kenny, poor Mama! My heart breaks for the both of you. Whatever you decide to do, I am so glad Kenny has such a loving mama, who reminds him daily that he is in God’s hands too.

9. Miz Booshay

   You are a good mommy.
   God bless your little boy today :o)

10. chocolatechic

    Poor guy!

    What a luv, missing his mom. Sounds like you both need a hug, and some chocolate!

11. Annika

    This just breaks my heart. I love the way you talked it out with him, having him draw his fears is just inspired. I love that you are willing to bring him home if he can’t adjust. I just love this post, through my own “big boy” tears.

12. Lisa Clarke

    Both of my little guys had a hard time letting go at first - they do get over it, but it’s so heart-wrenching to know that all they want is to be with YOU and YOU are the one pushing them through that door. *sigh*

    But then before long they are fine, and they come running out the door after school, all smiles, thrilled to see you standing there, and flinging themselves happily into your arms with stories of all of the wonderful things they did in the few hours they were gone.

    Have you read The Kissing Hand to him? Maybe that would help…

13. Marcie

    Been lurking forever but this entry really touched me.

    It’s so rough when things aren’t as easy as we expect them to be. Kenny will pull through, but if he doesn’t, it won’t be the end of the world. My little one isn’t going to pre-K. Not because he doesn’t want to but because I can’t afford it and he won’t be any worse off for it. And if you decide to bring Kenny home he won’t be any worse off either.

    He’s lucky to have such a good mom and you’re lucky to have such a loving son. I think that’s what’s most important.

    Good luck!

14. Not The Mama

    Oh that poor baby. My heart is just breaking for him. What a sweet little tender heart he has. I truly hope that he is able to adjust and he winds up loving Pre-K. But I’m glad that you are willing to withdraw him and let him stay home if he really isn’t ready.

15. comfortablycrazy

    SuperChic started kindergarten last week. I think I cried as much as she did that first day. When I picked her up this is what she told me, “I am NOT happy with you, you left me there.” Now, keep in mind she went to preschool last year and was fine, as long as someone else dropped her off. Her biggest fear this year was that her pre-K teacher wouldn’t be there. But the district moved the teacher to her new school, so she sees her everyday at lunch. SuperChic is also having more accidents and doesn’t like change. New school and teacher and a new church and sunday school all at once. We have to be strong for them. Try to get to class early so you can meet some of the kids. Sometimes if you know who the kids are and talk with them like you’re friends, then introduce them to your child it goes a little smoother. I had to do that with SuperChic because there were only three other girls in her class this year. Anyways, this comment has gotten way to long. I hope things go smoother this week. Have faith.

16. PlusToo

    The poor guy. I hope he has a better week this week. Does he go all day? If so, is there a half day option?

17. Emily

    My heart goes out to both of you.

18. Kristin

    *sniff* *sniff* Oh my. I’m tearing up.
    I bet he’ll get braver, in time. Don’t pull him yet! School can be a big scary place even after all the discussion and excitement you wrote about. Maybe it’s not exactly what he expected and he’s just trying to adjust the only way he can.

19. MMM

    Bless your hearts! You’re right. It shouldn’tbe this hard, and he doesn’t HAVE to be there, so I would not force it either.
    ((hugs))
    And I LOVE the way you explained the Lord never leaving him, and the pic!

20. Meg

    My boys didn’t have exactly that kind of trouble… but if they ever do, I will remember the Lord picture idea. What a good mom you are… hugs to you all.

21. jac

    No, it really shouldn’t be this hard. So what if you do take him out to be home with you? Some kids are just not ready for school at this age. It has absolutely nothing to do with how smart they are (in any context), just that they aren’t ready.
    bless you and your little kenny.

22. Kami

    Poor little fellow…I love how you approached it with him - what a great mom! Pre-K shouldn’t be this hard, I know together you will make the right decision for Kenny.

    Hugs

23. Vanessa

    I used to watch my cousin’s little girl, as a slow transition to daycare. (Babysitter half day, full day, half day of daycare, moved to full finally…my cousin was uberprotective). In the little girl’s backpack, there was a picture of her and Mommy that she could look at, in case she felt lonely. Seemed to help her, maybe it will help Kenny.

    Good luck.

24. carmen

    You?

    Are an AWESOME mother.

25. OMSH

    Thank you for the prayers, the well wishes, the understanding, the thoughtful answers, the helpful suggestions, the … everything.

    It is such a hard call. I want to give him room enough to get through a transition and not miss out on a fun year, but not enough room to drown in his own fear if it is just too much for him at this point.

    I’ll keep y’all updated.
    Thank you - thank you for wrapping up my heart and keeping Kenny in your thoughts and prayers.

26. Capturing Today

    Oh how a mother’s heart feels for you! One of the MANY reasons we chose to homeschool was because I could see no real need for a 5 year old kindergartener to have to spend 8 hours at school. My oldest did pre-school 3 days a week for a half day and loved it - but I wouldn’t trade our homeschool for anything, even on the tough days!

    You have support here, no matter your decision!

27. jess

    first time reader, first time commenter.

    i’ve always wanted to say that, so thanks for the opportunity. i’ve read of your blog a million and one times and i finally stopped by. i’ll have to catch up on some past posts when i have some time.

    going to school is such an adjustment. i hope this works itself out over the next week… your little boy needs to clear this hurdle, but he needs to be ready to do it, too. tough call for you either way.

    xoxo

28. slawebb

    I totally agree, pre-k shouldn’t be that hard. It isn’t necessary for kindergarten. My oldest just started kinderkarten this year. Although she did do dance class and stuff, she was never in pre-k. Sne didn’t really have a hard time acclimating to school this year. She really loves it. A great book that we have is called “The Kissing Hand” by Audrey Penn. I give her a big hug and kiss and a kissing hand before we separate, and she knows if she needs to feel my love it’s right there in her hand. But if he needs you that much, you’re right to bring him home. You can teach as much there as they do at school.

29. Kelly

    Oh poor guy! And poor mommy! I can just imagine your breaking heart… and his tears. I hope you keep us updated. Pre-K is still a couple years from us but I already dread the “letting go”

30. stephanie

    Oh, your poor little buddy.

    James’ first day is Thursday…I have no idea what to expect.

    I love the way you handled your son…the drawing was an excellent idea. One I will retain. :)

31. Angella

    It *shouldn’t* be that hard. When Graham started Playschool last year, he ran off and never looked back. Give it a bit of time, and if he’s still not happy, then do what works for both of you.

    Great idea getting him to draw his fears. You’re a great Momma, Heather :)

32. Mrs. Wilson

    Wow, you’re an awesome mom! No, it shouldn’t be that hard - poor little guy!

    I remember when Kaylie was hurt by a friend at school - FEAR MY WRATH!! There’s nothing worse than someone hurting your child.

33. Anne

    Oh my - I remember it all like it was yesterday. Both my kids were not necessarily thrilled to go to Kindergarten. We did not send either one of them to Pre-K and we waited an extra year for my son to start kindergarten because he was not ready to leave the house. This year my son started middle school and was very anxious about it. He even asked to be home-schooled like some of his friends. I thought about it long and hard and finally said no because he really needs the social interaction at school. We live literally in the middle of nowhere and he only has his little sister and us, his parents to interact with.
    Only a mother knows what’s best and will do what in her heart she knows is best for her child. We are with you through this tough transition. Either way it goes, you are doing a wonderful job as mommy and doing all the good things to let your son know he is supported and loved. You go girl!

34. TheAngelForever

    So sorry to hear that Kenny (and mom too) are having such a rough time. My little guy is starting PreK tomorrow. I too am worried about how he is going to take going to his new school. *sigh* Mind you this will also be the first time I go to take him to school. Daddy has always done that, so I’m likely to cry.

    Best wishes to you and Kenny.

35. MR. OMSH

    Our little Kenny-boo is a tough little man…and VERY close to Mama! He’ll hang in there…or else he’ll be hanging out in the house! Either way, he and OMSH’ll be great.

36. comfortablycrazy

    Totally unrelated comment, I listened to the bus song, which is hilarious. (I once hit a parked car while pulling away from the curb, and waited for the owner for an hour.)Anyways, you should make a CD of children’s songs, especially lullabies, and sell them online. Your voice is great.(I’ve also listened to you sing HBD to SAJ).

37. sherry

    I just wanted to state the obvious - you are such a wonderful mother.

38. sheree

    Huge enormous hugs to both you and the small man.

39. Mrs. Flinger

    Ohmyword. My daughter starts preschool on Thursday. This is the story I will think of. Kenny and his honesty and your wonderful way of soothing and comforting him. I hope he feels stronger tomorrow.

40. mommyknows

    I remember feeling just like Kenny. I would think of my mom and sadness and homesickness would just wash over me. Of course, time helps … about April my dad offered me a bike if I’d go to school and not cry :( it did work because I was just dying for a purple bike with a floral banana seat. I am sure that won’t help Kenny, at least I hope not.

    I read the Kissing Hand (by Audrey Penn) with my kids @ the beginning of the school year and we kiss palms in the morning, then if they are feeling homesick they remember that I love them and I am thinking about them even when I am not there.

    I hope he cheers up soon.

41. jessica

    Aw. That’s so hard. It makes me want to cry too. Hang in there, mommy!

42. nyjlm

    hope this week is going better. Poor guy! Poor mama! I experienced the same with my dd, she was dying to go to school but wasn’t very happy with it at the beginning.

43. Dawn

    please pass the tissues………{sobbing at my desk……at work…….and my little one started kindergarten this morning……………………………………………….}

44. jen

    oh, man. this was hard to read. i am crying here, because i feel so bad for you! i can imagine how hard this is for you.
    poor kenny. oh. i just want to hug you both.
    pre k SHOULDNT be this hard.

45. OMSH

    Last night the whole family watched The Sound of Music and ate in the living room. I was thinking that I’d teach Kenny “These are a Few of My Favorite Things” to help him through this storm.

    *snicker*

    But since he fell asleep halfway through the movie, I guess maybe not.

    He did better today.
    Still a whimper, but not as bad?! *perplexed*

    Trying to hold off until end of week to make final decision.

46. Kate

    This post is so timely. My son (14 months) is transitioning from the safety of the Infant Room, where he has been since he was ten weeks old, to the Toddler Room, with bigger kids, a real schedule and new teachers. It has been hard on him, and on his mom and dad. I know in my head that this is what is right for him (he needs the stimulation in the Toddler Room) but my heart doesn’t agree. I will keep you and Kenny in my thoughts as we work through our own transition here. Keep us posted!

47. Kristi

    Your little man reminds me of mine. Kindergarten was really a struggle for him. He cried, he had ‘accidents’ on the bus. I worked with the school on the issue and after 7 weeks, we all agreed that he just wasn’t ‘ready’ yet. So, we started fresh the following year and he was just fine.

    My ‘Baby’ started college last month. In another State. *sigh*

    You’ll both be OK, Mom. Even if he has to wait another yeat.

48. Kristi

    Another year, that is.

49. Stefani

    So sorry this has been so hard for him, and for you! Sounds like you handled the conversation with him very well though. That little seed of courage will flower and grow, I’m sure. Hang in there.

50. jen

    I don’t envy your position here. Having only the one son? Ugh! I can totally feel your pain. Especially when that kid hit Kenny. I got all up in arms.
    I do hope it gets better!

51. mothergoosemouse

    So sad. Fingers crossed that it gets easier and more fun for him.

52. Joely

    You are a wonderful mother and I hope that everything works out for Kenny.

53. AbsolutelyBananas

    OHHH My heart is having sympathy breakage.

54. KYouell

    Man, I loved that. I know it’s a hard time, but I loved reading it. How you got him to draw it out and then talk about it, adding a hand to the drawing… wow! If I could draw up an award I would make you my Hero Momma of the Month!

    I’ve been off reading a bunch of blogs by moms that have kids with Down syndrome and then to come back here and hear about your tender-hearted boy. When I was pregnant I wished (secretly, never outloud) to have a son that would not be afraid to show he loved his mom. When The Biscuit was diagnosed I thought that was one more way that I had wished Down syndrome on him, since everyone said these kids are so loving and such a joy. But they aren’t the only Momma-loving kids out there, are they? I needed to remember that!

55. sharon

    My oldest just started kinder after attending pre-school 3 hours/ day at our church since he was 2. The first year was tough with crying throughout but it wasn’t tears of fear… it was about control. Tears of fear would have been MUCH harder.

    My youngest who is almost 4 will still cry if I’m the one to drop him off (which isn’t the normal routine).

    Do your best to get him through it. Sometimes they just need a break to get past the fear and re-group. Those fears and emotions never go away with new things, you just learn how to manage them.

56. Peggy Lynn

    Am I too late to comment on this subject? Hope not. PRE-Kindergarten? Oh mercy. It’s a recipe for emotional burn-out for little boys especially. Read the book “Better Late Than Early” by the Moore’s. It’ll probably be in your public library. It’s a treasure and was the deciding factor in our keeping our little guy out of regular school. He’s in his third year of college, getting scholarships and thriving beautifully. Bless you!

57. OMSH

    Peggy Lynn - no, never too late. My son doesn’t “need” Pre-K. He knows his letters, their sounds and how to write them.

    He WANTED to do this - and we are just trying to make sure that his discomfort with new things isn’t overriding what he really WANTS to do.

    And I realize that might sound ridiculous, but if you could see him bouncing around at the end of the day, you’d understand why I’m being so careful in this decision.