Ohmystinkinheck

I have enjoyed reading the comments that continue to roll-in about the post, Honor your children and teach them to work.

In my opinion, the best part about blogs (other than the ability to brain spew to others who “get” you) is how positively interactive they can be. The contributions to that thread and this one were/are lovely … and both thought provoking and helpful.

Just in case you come here for posts only, but don’t have time to read through all the comments (or read only through your feedreader and therefore, don’t SEE comments), I want to highlight a few of them below. In addition, I’d like to continue the conversation with a slightly different bend … so don’t tune out until we get to the end of the post,okay? Good.

Jill/Glossy Veneer validated what I propositioned about what children that don’t learn to work/contribute become. In her comment she writes:

My husband grew up in a household where his parents each had their jobs and they didn’t have the kids contribute, out of fear they’d get hurt of they’d do it wrong. As an adult, my husband didn’t know how to do any of the handyman-type things his dad is so proficient in and didn’t know how to do any homekeeping tasks his mother performed. Contrast with my brother; he can install a toilet and whip up some delicious crepes. (Not at the same time, that would be gross) He’s so multi-faceted.

Exactly what I do NOT want. I want the daughter-in-law I choose for my son my future daughter-in-law to thank me, not curse me! And I really think we still have a chance for that.

frugal mom agreed with and shared a bit of the goings-on from her own household

My kids have their age appropriate tasks and they get changed up every so often to help with burn out. I run a kid friendly kitchen as well. The kids pretty much have access to everything and if they don’t, well they know where the stool is.

I loved how Mom2Six referred to her daughter as “her little companion” from 18 months forward in this comment. There were many who agreed that our children should work aside us and as Mom2Six put it, her daughter “just learned to do all the chores with me as I did them.”

Yesterday was a busy day of cleaning. The house was a pigsty had fallen into disarray as a result of a very busy family schedule. Jeff was home early and we just dug into the task. As I was finishing up in the restroom, Meredith came in and saw me cleaning the faucets and making them shiney. She wanted to do that in HER bathroom (notice the ownership - that is important, I believe). So, I handed her the Windex^® and instructed her to get some papertowels and go after it. She was DELIGHTED. Seriously, there are no other words. DELIGHTED. I went into her bathroom a bit later to find her in the newly cleaned sink, doing this:

I took a picture “for her daddy” - as he was out running errands. My children like to brag to daddy about what new things they can do. When they don’t brag to him, I do. RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. I left her to her work and went back to mine.

I came back about 20 minutes later and the new bottle of Windex was nearly empty as she was trying to scrub the tub with it. I made a BIG mistake. I said, “Oh Meredith, you can’t clean the tub with Windex.” and she broke down crying. CRYING. She wanted to surprise me with a totally clean bathroom and she had cleaned the sink, toilet, fixtures, cabinets, and was going on to the bathtub with the Windex^®. I’ve thought over and over a better way to say what I said. I tried to explain to her how thankful I was, etc… but she was genuinely upset - feeling stupid. I didn’t raise my voice or anything, but well … I hurt her heart. And you know what? She stayed hurt all night … no matter how I tried to remedy it.

This comment from Ali spoke volumes to me. It was about how she responded to her daughter’s “help” that ended up not being so helpful.

I thought of this post yesterday, when carrying groceries with my 5-year old. I let her carry a bag; it was a large paper bag, and she held it from the bottom, and teetered, and swayed, and then about halfway to the car, she spilled it all over the parking lot. Broken taco shells! Boxes of cereal soaking into muddy puddles! Everything scattered? But did I get frustrated? Impatient? No. “Honor your children…” flashed through my mind. Literally, that phrase. And I put down my own bags (into the driest part of the parking lot I could find), helped her collect the things, placed the bag in her arms again, and let her teeter toward the car. So thanks again for this!

No, thank YOU Ali. Thank you. It was YOUR comment that made ME think when my son came in wanting his own bottle of Windex. It was that particular comment that made a tired momma look around and find a job he could do on his own. And now I know that I’ll never have to vacuum baseboards again because HE LOVED IT! That split second decision proved to be beneficial - but it isn’t always so.

And I know that Jamie can relate. She says:

It’s interesting to me how when you’re thinking of things, that it’s all around you… My hubby and I have just been talking about this! Our 3 year old and 4 year old have just started unloading the dishwasher, making beds, and etc, AND THEY LOVE IT. I was never taught how to do household things, and it’s something I really want to instill in my kids.

I tell people all the time that I’m not raising children, I’m raising adults.

So here is the question and the challenge. Have you gone out of your way this week to honor your children? Will you? Maybe your suggestions will help others make some of their own personal commitments to slow down and teach. Isn’t it just another way to love on our children. I think so. Thank you ladies - this has been such a fabulous time of fellowship with you and learning for me.

HEY! Do this if you will/want. This idea was inspired by Angie in the comments below … I’d love to have links to your own pics of your children working alongside you ANYWHERE. If they are on Flickr, and your settings allow it, I might could even blog them here in a post!

23 Responses to “Another way to love on our children.”

1. Heather

   I think in addition to in home chores, I try to let my 2 year old help as much as she is able when we’re out. In the grocery store, she doesn’t sit in one of those race car contraptions, but walks holding the cart and knows to move to the side when someone is coming down the aisle. She gets boxes off low shelves and sometimes cans. Her favorite thing (other than the free cookie at the bakery) is to help me unload the cart at checkout. Sure it takes a little longer and sometimes our stuff winds up in the order ahead of ours momentarily, but she loves it. She even punches my pin at the end. She was royally confused one day when I actually paid in cash. ;-)

2. angela

   I continue to love this. I am very much enjoying everyone sharing their thoughts and personal experiences about this subject. This is what I love most about blogging.

3. OMSH

   Heather - I used to do the free cookie at the bakery too. MR. OMSH does all the grocery shopping, for the most part, now. I don’t think he gets himself a free cookie.

   angela - I know - love, love, love the personal experiences.

4. Sandra

   Just want to say that your recent posts have helped me realize that it’s time to start letting my kids help me more. They are 3.5 yr old twins and I kept thinking “Oh, I’ll let them help when they’re older”. You helped me realize that they are old enough now. My mom always had us do chores and although I kinda hated it at the time, I was so grateful when I moved out of the house that I knew how to do things for myself! I can’t tell you how many of my friends didn’t! None of them could sew or bake and most of them couldn’t do laundry or clean a bathroom either. I don’t want my kids to end up like that and this has reminded me to start NOW. Yesterday they “helped” mommy at the grocery store and loved it and it made for a much easier time at the store too! So thanks again. Keep the good stuff coming.

5. OMSH

   Sandra - YES! I agree. And at that age they DO love it. Kenny is literally sitting on my lap looking at pics of himself vacuuming and saying, “When can I vacuum again? In a little second? Just in a little second?”

6. Steph

   I’m positively addicted to your blog, thanks in part to your very thought provoking posts about this. This has been a topic of discussion on my moms message board, and even thought some question the willingness of kids to help once they are older, I think it’s obvious by your examples that kids can WANT to help. I do have a question for you though, I want instill in my 10 month old daughter her role in the house, but other than holding something for me when I hand it to her, I’m not sure how to involve her. I’d be interested to hear your thoughts if there are some things to get her pitching in this early….?

7. Jill - GlossyVeneer

   I need to honor my husband more. He tried cleaning the tub for me with a tube of Clorox wipes. Instead of thanking him for the effort my response was about the same was yours to Meredith about the Windex. Just because I’m obsessed with cleaning the tub with the Method Tub and Shower cleaner and microfiber cloth, doesn’t mean that his effort should be any less appreciated. I felt bad at the time and I feel bad now being reminded of that incident. I can do better.

8. OMSH

   Steph - glad to have you here. Off the top of my head I think that ANYTHING your 10 month old can do with you (safely, I might add) is the beginning of developing a relationship of working together. Obviously a 10 month old chore chart is not readily available online, but here are some ideas:

   • If she’s in a crib or your bed, you can tidy it up together. Hand her a stuffed animal, small pillow, etc.. and help her put it into place. Then clap (lots of clapping would be good with lots of oohs and ahhs).
   • I think ALL children, as soon as they can grab something off a shelf, needs to put it back ON a shelf. Help her clean up her area, bookshelf or book basket
   • Hand her washcloths or dishrags/towels while you are folding. She’ll watch and try to mimic or just hold. Still she’s “helping mama”.
   • Wipe, wipe, wipe. Give her pots and plans to play with in a high chair or on the kitchen floor with a slightly damp rag. She can learn to wipe them clean - JUST LIKE MOMMY - while you wash dishes
   • The same is true of dusting. I’ve read that children can dust with socks on their hands - although mine STILL prefer the feather duster (which isn’t really dusting, imo, but still…)

   Obviously these aren’t her jobs, but it is a start and I’m sure others here can think of other things/give solutions.

   I had one child that didn’t walk until 14 months … so obviously it is limiting when they aren’t walking. Anything given to them now needs to be done with mommy, daddy, older sister, brother, etc… and for FUN.

   Cleaning is FUN, FUN, FUN.

   OH! Jeff and Kenny shower together. Kids love to wash the shower door clean with squeegies.

9. OMSH

   I googled “Chores at Appropriate Ages” and found a link to Age Appropriate Chore Charts that offer a 9 to 24 month list.

   These are SUGGESTIONS. I haven’t read the whole page.

10. Steph

    Pretty good stuff there, thank you! Hmmm, that gets me thinking, I wonder if her eating fuzzies off the carpet counts as helping clean? ;)

11. Angie

    I thought of you and your recent posts about this over the weekend when I was about to make a simple pan of boxed cornbread to go with dinner. I asked my 3 year old son if he wanted to help and of course he was eager to.

    He pulled his step stool into the kitchen and away he went. I snapped a few pics and you can see them here:

    http://flickr.com/photos/schlager3/

    They are a few pics down from the top. Oh, and yes he has a name tag on. We had attended a function at church in the morning and he’d been given a name tag in the nursery. He wouldn’t let us take it off. :)

12. OMSH

    Angie - LOVE IT! Thank you! I edited this post requesting pics from other mommas! Weee! And look at that smile. He was VERY happy to be helping make cornbread!

    Steph - Oh heck yea! Fuzzi eating counts as pick-up! All the way!

13. Lanna

    I am so with you on the DIL thing. My goal is to have boys that can cook (I totally plan to use the hook that girls really like guys who cook), possibly bake, change the oil in the car and de-gunk the gutters. And do some vegetable gardening. Among other things. I’m weird. ;)

    So far, my 3.5yo puts his toys away, turns fans off after naps (white noise), puts dirty dishes in the sink or on the counter by the sink (whichever I ask him to), helps me sort laundry, gets to push the “cute cart” at the grocery store (i.e. the little cart - and that’s the only cart we take - no need for us each to have one), helps me find and pick out produce, finds his clothes when we need to go somewhere, blah blah blah. I’m a little afraid for the garden this year though… Last year he ‘helped’ us pull out weeds. Too bad his ‘weeds’ were actually good strawberry plants. Hmmm… let me see if I can find some photos of my guy helping me out… I know I have some pics of him rolling pie crust, putting sprinkles on cupcakes, stirring something on the stove, that kind of thing…

14. Lanna

    I tried to email you some links to photos through your contact page and it wouldn’t let me. :( Let me know if you want me to try emailing it to you again somehow. :)

15. Heather AKA Epiphany Alone

    OMSH, thanks for this recap! It brought tears to my eyes.

    I had been getting help from my 4 1/2 year old, but a lot of the more difficult tasks, I had not been as good at finding something she could do. Today, she decided to pick up sticks in the backyard without being asked. Yesterday, she saw me hauling the garbage barrels around the house (empty, back from the curb) and she took one and said, “Let me help you with that, Mama.” *melt*

16. jen

    These posts/comments are pretty cool. I recently overcame the whole getting mad at them for doing it “wrong” thing but then I had to do it with the husband, so the kids were easy.

    My oldest will turn 3 in may and her and my 17 month old both help me put the groceries away. They both know where everything goes. It amazes me how young they can be and still understand “close the door” and “put it on the bottom shelf.” They also help me empty out the dishwasher, just the pots and things that go in the bottom cabinets. I have been trying to get the 2yo to learn to fold towels but it’s not going so well yet! I also get her to “go find all your cups” and she bringds me all the sippy cups and dishes and forks around the house (why yes, we are kind of slovenly around here sometimes.) I have also gotten both kids to be able to act when I sit on the couch and idly tell them which toys to put away. It’s still too overwhelming for me to leave the room and say “clean up” but if I stay there and direct them it goes surprisingly well. (granted, I have made it easy for them! But that’s the way to go, right?)

17. MMM

    I couldn’t let my oldest help using chemicals when she was little. Her asthma was HORRIBLE, and I wouldn’t let her dust either. She found other things to do like hanging up her own clothes, folding them etc.
    Now I have 2 children and they both LOVE to help. I still won’t let my little one use cleansers, but I give her a swiffer sheet (the same ones we use on the mop-not the actual dust clingy ones) and she cleans the TV and whatever else she can reach. My oldest runs the vacuum. As they get older, I “let” them help more and they LOVE it. It makes them feel so big when I FINALLY let them do a chore they’ve wanted to for so long. If you’ve read me for any length of time, you know I grew up in a very abusive home. Cleaning was part of the punishments/abuse. I was basically in charge of the entire house from a very young age. Changing the adults sheets and making their bed, bathing the dogs, dusting and vacuuming the house (daily) and on and on. Therefore, I had a VERY hard time giving chores for a long time. I wanted (and still do) my children to enjoy being a kid and not be weighed down by MY responsibilities.
    HOWEVER, there comes a day when they must learn to be self-sufficient. I certainly don’t want to send my children out into the world and have them feel lost becuase I failed to do my job and teach them responsibility! I can’t wait until my girls are older so i can teach them to budget, clip coupons, shop, balance a checkbook, clean crayon out of a dryer, check the oil in their cars! Things I wish I had been taught before I had to learn the hard way. I sure had the cleaning and cooking down, but the really big stuff no one ever taught me. I want my girls to walk out of here confident and know that they can do anything that needs to be done because we taught them to!

18. MMM

    OOPS–they are old enough to learn those things now–I just mean that I can’t wait to get around to those things too. I’m working on other things right now!

19. sherry

    I’m loving all this.

    Hayley likes to help dry the dishes - not the plates and glasses but the plastic plates the kids use or utensils are okay. She also likes to help fold laundry so I give her all the cloths/dishtowels/anything square-ish and her underwear and she does those. And I don’t know what it is about kids and feather dusters, but she also loves doing that too.

    Recently we’ve moved on and she now enjoys cleaning the sink in the bathroom. She just uses a scrubbing brush, a cloth and water, but she’s so proud.

    Breanna’s only 16 months but she is surprisingly helpful. All I have to do is pick up one toy in the living room and put it in the toybox and she starts picking them all up. Also, our throw pillows on the couch often get knocked to the floor and she will always pick them up, place them on the couch and then applaud herself. My favorite though is the post-bath diaper; after she’s dried and in her pajamas, she goes back to the bathroom, picks up her diaper, and then takes it to the bedroom to put in the garbage. She applauds herself then too, usually with a loud “yaaaaah!” :)

20. OMSH

    Heather AKA Epiphany Alone - “Let me help you with that, Mama.” … oh yeah, that turns any momma’s heart to globbity-goop!

    jen - I agree that it is often “…still too overwhelming for me to leave the room and say “clean up” but if I stay there and direct them it goes surprisingly well.” I think this is the relational part of discipline, training, honoring and loving. It is all about TIME - and that is what it is the easiest NOT to give.

    MMM - Oh how they will love you for teaching them how to “udget, clip coupons, shop, balance a checkbook, clean crayon out of a dryer, check the oil in their cars!” - Those are life skills. And as I mentioned above to jen, they take TIME and that time is all about developing the relationship. It is good how you’ve broken the chains of abuse in your family. What a BLESSING for your children!

    sherry - I love that Breanna applauds herself. It shows that absolute JOY from a job well done.

    These are delightful. Thank you - each one who has responded. .

21. Kristen

    is now a bad time to say I’ve been making the 2 year old do dishes since he could perch on a stool by himself? grant it, the cleanliness is an issue but as long as I don’t have to do it…

22. blackbird

    I’ve just returned from the library where I read some schmancy UK journal article about how we are ruining our children by not giving them work and freedom.
    They never rake leaves or sweep up and don’t know how to ride their bicycles because we drive them everywhere…of course it was all more sophisticated than this, but BRAVO OMSH, because I had forgotten how much joy Oldest got from using the windex…
    My guys do whatever they are asked to do but I’m realizing that I need to ask more frequently.

    (long winded, eh?)

23. Leta

    I just read thru all the comments and realized how much I let my almost-3-year-old help me around the house and didn’t even realize it! She helps unload the dishwasher, puts laundry away, dust, put away toys, etc. It is just part of our daily routine and she loves to help me. This is a great discussion